The End

HE'S BACK!

Well, boys and girls, the day we have hoped for has come.

Bernard McGuirk has returned as the REAL Cardinal Egan.

It has been a lot of fun writing these skits since June when this character was conceived on the Fake Imus blog.

With this, I am retiring from this character. 30-something posts, and lots of comments, laughs, and support. It's meant a lot. Makes you wonder if Imus or Bernie ever read this. If they have, they know they have real fans in me and you. (Is my grammar alright, Charles? :))

Much love to you, my friends and readers.

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', you decided to take a sick day last Friday, when I was plannin' on makin' me triumphant return back to your stupid show, ya raspy-throated sack of elephant dung ya, bejeez.

Someone needs to tell Mike Huckabee to throw in the towel already. Watchin' him hang on by a pubic hair to his handful of delegates makes me sick to me stomach, bejeez. I caught a picture of him standin' next to his tank of a wife the other day, Imus in the Morn' - she makes Barbara Mikulski look like a supermodel. Somebody point her back to the school library she wandered out of. She's got manhands the size of Roger Clemens' fake bicpes, God forgive me. I'm not sayin' she's ugly Imus in the Morn' - I'd still prefer to see her in the Hefner mag than, say, Madeline Albright, but even the black Jackie Kennedy, Michelle Obama, would be a nice change and bring hope to lonely and horny men all across the country!

Speakin' of potential first ladies Imus in the Morn', did you happen to catch Bill Clinton the other day, rantin' and ravin' about the jug-eared mulato with the Jew-hatin' name takin' a few words that some other chest-thumpin' pimp took from our foundin' documents? But unlike Obama's supporters faintin' at rallies, this stainmakin' douche bag was too busy lettin' his smallest supporter stay at attention whenever he got around a fat chick with a mouth like an Oreck, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, heathen bastards, and let's pray: In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Obama takin' a position in a speech we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Fidel Castro's reign ends in a blaze of glory, with a new revolution to come in and unload their fury, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Hillary Clinton makes a comeback, instead of takin' it on the chin from the superdelegates' coin sacks, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray the writer's strike comes to an end and soon, before all the television shows get replaced by stupid cartoons, Lord hear our prayer.


WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Chris Matthews
b) David Shuster
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well the answer is clearly a, droolin' dingbat Chris Matthews, because unlike the other two idiots, Matthews is the only one who can get away with saying something stupid on MSNBC and not gettin' his dumb ass suspended or fired for it.

God Bless Us and Save Us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's been about two months, and I'm relegated to bein' on the back of a sour milk carton. I hope your fever goes so high yer stupid head spontaneously combusts, ya scarecrow-lookin' douche bag ya, bejeez!

Let's talk about the State of the Union address the other night, Imus in the Morn'. Hillary clinton, dressed up like a Chinese flag, leavin' one to only imagine where the five stars were, God forgive me. Nothin' like her sendin' a shout out to yer old homies at the last stage of only other man to ever be on top of ya, flaming dingbat! Or maybe, just maybe, it was a tailor-made outfit from her father, the grandmaster of Hell himself! I couldn't tell, but I hope he left a little hole in the back for her tail to poke out, bejeez. Where's the pitchfork honey, forget it at home or did ya let the stainmaker borrow it again? And then, when this horn-headed bitch goes to shake hands with the brandy-nosed bridge diver himself, the Hussein oreo turns his back to speak with Senator McCaskill, who at a quick glance does resemble the great satan herself, bejeez, except for the receeding hairline, God forgive me.

And what's the deal with Rudy Giuliani, Imus in the Morn'? This hobbit-lookin' hunched over ol' dwarf's campaign dropped faster than a Thai hooker in an airport bathroom. Happy trails, indeed, and enjoy your time at the family reunion - say hi to your kids for me!
Now, we're left with McCain and Romney dukin' it out like a nurse with a patient in a nursing home. Respect your elders, bejeez, even if they do have black babies.

Now bow your heads ya heathen dirtbags - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Bill Clinton to shut the hell up we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that woman who put her grandson in the dog cage is sentenced by a judge to go to a vet to be spayed, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the falling satellite, falling at a deadly rate right on Steve Capus' stupid block head, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) George W. Bush
b) Howard Stern
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these former drug-addicted dirtbags should all have checked out a very, very long time ago, the answer is clearly a, George W. Bush, because unlike the other two idiots, even Howard Stern has at least one person to who cares about what he has to say on that stupid satellite deal.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

I wanna run through some of the presidential candidates for you Imus in the Morn'. Just so we're all on the same when it comes to these idiots, although we all know that you, with the exception of John McCain, would close your eyes and wish them into the cornfield, ya scarecrow-lookin' crater-faced idiot, bejeez

Speakin' of McCain, let's start with him - the only candidate who met his second wife while she was babysittin' his first wife's children. Let's just say he didn't keep her around for the cookin', bejeez. And what about Mike Huckabee - just what this country needs, Imus in the Morn', is some sweaty fat guy campaignin' around in a skin-tight leotard claimin' he lost weight by changin' his diet and increasin' his exercise. The real way he lost his fat suit was by switchin' to a diuretic and laxative diet while listenin' to his own sermons from years gone by, God forgive me. Poor bastard; probably left him as raw as the last cow they slaughtered there on that farm network, bejeez. Next is Mitt Romney - God bless him and his seven wives - who is about as well-spoken as Fabio readin' a cue card made from pieces of scrap paper stuck together with expired spermicidal jelly, ya antediluvian douche bag bejeez. On the other side is Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, who are dukin' it out like two ram mountain sheep buttin' heads. Watchin' Hillary Clinton give her winnin' speech last night was like watchin' grass grow. Just what the American people need is a trifecta from hell - Hillary Clinton as president, Nancy Pelosi as speaker, and that Gladys Kravtiz-lookin' Ruth Bader Ginsberg on the bench. Then there's the colored fella with the Jew hatin' name, livin' in a fairy tale apparently. One thing's for sure - he's given the tuna-lickin' dingbat a run for her money. If he had his way, he'd be shovin' her face down on the carpet and makin' her eat it, but she'd probably enjoy it, bejeez. I know I missed a few in there, Imus in the Morn', but for one real reason - they're just so damn irrelevant right now!

It's time to pray, bejeez, now bow your heads! In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, another camera at WABC we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Al Sharpton gets another orange jail jump suit, and some fat pig inmate hides his shalaylee where this idiotic scum used to poop, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that Dennis Kucinich finally goes back to Neptune, and gets the hell off this planet, the stupid crazy loon, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY!?
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Former Senator Trent Lott
b) The Late, Great Senator Strom Thurmond
c) Newly reformed Imus in the Morn'

Answer me that, ya shriveled up bag o' pus ya, bejeez. Well despite the fact that all three of these mentally-challenged idiots have, at one time or another, uttered racial slurs about their brothers by different mothers, the answer is clearly B, the late, great Senator Strom Thurmond because unlike the other two air-suckin' mental patients, Strom Thurmond is the only one who actually checked out, with nothin' let of him but his hand comin' out of the ground flippin' the bird to anyone who'll take notice.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's good to hear you say you know who you should and shouldn't be invitin' back on your stupid show, bejeez. I'll be expectin' a phone call from your decayin' face, moltin' and mumblin' with your invitation to have me back!

But anyway Imus in the Morn', did ya see the bull dyke junior senator got pounded by the two men on top of her in the Iowa primary? Talk about bein' on the receivin' end, she took it deeper than Fatty Arbuckle's girlfriend takin' a Coke bottle, God rest her soul.

I happened to catch the debates the last coupla nights Imus in the Morn'. Whenever they get on the topic of immigration, I feel like playin' a game of pool, bejeez. Illegal immigrants and a cue ball have a lot in common Imus in the Morn' - the harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of 'em!

But anyway Imus in the Morn', let's just hope your guy - John McCain - gets more votes in New Hampshire than actors who are plannin' on attendin' the Golden Globes!

Now bow your heads douche drinkers, and let's pray. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, a pine box for the I-man we wan the most, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that Sarkozy and his new girlfriend work out alright, and that dumb ho doesn't jump off the Eiffel tower one night, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that Britney Spears gets all the help she needs, and gets her kids back from Federline by shootin' out his knees, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Hillary Clinton
b) Larry Craig
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of them haven't slept with a man in quite some time and that neither one will ever be elected President of the United States, the answer is clearly C, Imus in the Morn' is the only one who hasn't had to kiss Strom Thurmond's ring at some point in their life.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's good to see ya put 3 weeks into your new show, and then took a week off for vacation. What're ya tired from, dirtbag - not used to dryheavin' for so long without takin' a break anymore, bejeez? Was your little kiddie camp and it's lack of air while ya sleep startin' to be appealin', ya antediluvian douche bag ya, bejeez.

Did ya see what happened to Bhutto yesterday, Imus in the Morn'? Poor lady, God rest her soul, but the ragheads guardin' her apparently didn't learn anything from the Kennedy deal, bejeez. If there's one thing these idiots should learn from the people they hate the most, it's how to protect their damn leaders instead of watchin' their heads fly off in fifteen different pieces. It's like Humpty Dumpty all over again. You don't see Osama bin Dumbass walkin' around with a bullseye strapped to his back, do ya, so why'd this poor lady stick her neck out, literally, bejeez?! And to make matters worse, ya deflated windbag, her supporters thought it would be a good idea to run around their town and start settin' the bank, the post office, the buses, and the trains on fire, bejeez. That'll do a lotta good. No wonder those cavemen have been havin' dirt meals for the last millenium, bejeez.

And speakin' o' necks, Imus in the Morn' - Hillary Clinton's neck is startin' to look like yours, bejeez! That whole Mother Goose look is startin' to catch on. You two are gonna make Doris Roberts look like Miss America, bejeez. Or maybe, could it be from the jug-eared mulatto with the Jew-hatin' name tuggin' at her re-election chances, and it startin' to show on her face? I caught a glimpse of her on the Drudge website the other day, Imus in the Morn', and I thought that Barbara Bush was campaigning, bejeez. Same look, y'know - tank with eyes movin' straight ahead. Get out of the way, ya knocked-kneed buncha faggots ya, lest ye be run over by the Great Satan!

With all this talk of guns and evil Imus in the Morn, I've gotta make mention of Mike Huckabee thinkin' he's the Vice-President. The other day, this idiot decided to go pheasant hunting with a bunch o' mainstream media types and got a little trigger happy, firin' a coupla shots over their pea-brained pinheads, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, ya buncha dirtbags, and let's say a prayer. This past Tuesday was the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! The person, you dimwits, not the explitive you shout at wee little Wyatt when he kicks your flabby backside at a game of chess in three moves, bejeez. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Ashley Alexander back with the I-man we want the most, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that a video tape surfaces of Edwards and Obama, and the 400-dollar haircuttin' faggot is givin' it in Obama's backside just like he does to his babies' mama, Lord hear our prayer! And finally, Lord, we pray that the late night shows get back on the air and quick - before these nighttime nitwits start dependin' on the new Imus in the Morn' for sarcastic wit, bejeez.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Britney Spears
b) Christina Aguilera
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these no-talent hacks have all polluted the airwaves with their own brand of stench, the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has never given birth to his own spawn, let alone takin' it in the belly button in hopes of gettin' knocked up, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless, ::clears throat::

Well ya buncha heathen dirtbags, we made it to the end of our nightmare, just like Anna Nicole in a cheap Florida motel, bejeez. Now let's get down to some real business, before I go into retirement. I've just about run out of Poligrip, so I'll make this quick.

It's nice to know that Imus in the Morn' will be pollutin' the airwaves with his regular brand of stench tomorrow. Although if Al Sharpton had any say in it, he'd only be stinkin' up his own house, which rest assured, the decayin' cadaver has done by soilin' his adult diapers every coupla hours, bejeez. In fact, I have been told on good authority, that Al Sharpton and Al Roker plan on showin' up at the new studio tomorrow to congratulate Imus in the Morn' with a cocktail and a speedball. I've got a question for ya though Imus in the Morn' - why only a five year deal? Are you afraid that one day the good Lord himself is gonna call for ya? Not likely, if he hasn't already, bejeez.

Now let's talk about somethin' serious, ya mischevious scumbag ya, bejeez. Did ya see this fat pig in the Sudan was locked up for namin' her teddy bear Muhammad? Those Muslims, I tell ya - friendly and peaceful buncha people they are, bejeez. No one said a word when Mrs. Imus named her teddy Jesus, and the only reason she did was because the whole time on the weddin' night, she kept thinkin' to herself, "Jesus, I hope he croaks from seein' me in this." The only time I'll name someone Muhammad is if I'm in Jersey waitin' for someone to put some gas in the Eganmobile, bejeez.

And did ya see sparks flyin' on the set of MSNBC the other day, Imus in the Morn'? They're gonna be broadcastin' from a jail bathroom pretty soon, bejeez. Better bring a butt plug before ya get a real poke in the poop chute. Unless of course you're Morning Joe, who's been takin' it from the backside since day one from none other than Steve Capus, who is so much of a faggot he could guess the flavor of a lollipop by sittin' on it, bejeez. He's probably been playin' with that little boy Dan Abrams a bit too much, God forgive me, with his equilibrium all thrown off from takin' only one ball on the chin. Explains the ugly mop of hair surroundin' his Picasso-lookin' face, bejeez. And speakin' of television hosts who won't be havin' shows for much longer, Al Roker's gonna be buried in a woodpile soon enough, God rest his soul!

Now bow your heads ya heathen pricks, and let's pray - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man to live til 6 AM tomorrow we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Hugo Chavez tries to cut back the U. S.'s supply of oil, and the economics effects of that cause this fat man's pants to get soiled, Lord hear our prayer Lord, we pray that Oprah's guy Hussein Obama cuts ahead of Mrs. Clinton, just to see this vampire witch bite his head off in the Senate kitchen, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that the ratings on WFAN's morning show tank, and that Chernoff ends up firin' Boomer and the bald-headed skank, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Al Sharpton
b) Al Roker
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has 1000 people comin' out to support him tomorrow, and the other dirtbags don't even get love from the fleas that live in their beds, bejeez.

God bless us and save us! Fake Cardinal Egan has now officially entered retirement! Welcome back, cowboy!