Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

It's nice to be back from my little vacation Imus in the Morn' - and how's yours goin', bejeez? The next time you're on TV, it's gonna be during a funeral procession ya decayin' pedophile ya.

Now let's talk about some important stuff, before me teeth fall out and someone has to go get the Poligrip. Did you see the little man on campus yesterday, Imus in the Morn'? Ahmadinebutt went to Columbia to give a little speech, and when someone asked him about the fine Iranian countrymen engaging of marathons of shalaylee-hidin', he declared such things don't exist in Iran, and questioned where the information came from. I'm sure Larry Craig was listening to this in the background at the time, and when he heard this Aladdin-lookin' mofo say that, he spit his stallmate's junk out of his mouth. I'm sure he could find a lamp for this Napoleon-lookin' schmuck to rub, and he'll get somethin' out of it, but it won't be a genie, and he certainly won't get to make three wishes, bejeez.

By the way, dirtbag, did you happen to see Auntie Remus Hillary Clinton's version of the Wizard of Oz? (Note: http://www.the-two-malcontents.com/wp-content/uploads/wickedwitch_east_hillary.jpg !) She'll get you, Imus in the Morn', and your little horse-chasin' dog too, bejeez. Hopefully, if we're lucky, when this dingbat is on stage acceptin' the nomination that President BB Brain expects her to get, the light fixtures above her will completely and unexpectedly collapse on top of her, leading a pair of stripe-stockinged legs and ruby slippers protruding out from the twisted metal, bejeez. (Note: http://granitegrok.com/pix/wicked_witch.jpg !)

Now bow your heads, scumbags, and let's pray.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man in the morning we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that monks in Burma break their vows of silence, but only when the military's tanks shoot all their asses in a dramatic show of violence, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Kevin Spacey and Hugo Chavez have a fun play date, and we hope that homo Spacey doesn't turn the visit into a date rape, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Fukuda is a good prime minister for the nips, and the opposition party doesn't chop him up like Abe and throw him in the oceanic dip, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Dan Abrams
b) Joe Scarborough
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these morons were once affiliated with the failing cable news channel MSNBC, which should have been blown up in 2006 anyway, the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two dingbats, he chose not to go back to the sinking ship after the the clown reverends started their nonsense.

God bless us and save us!

Wrote this up kinda quick, but I've been in demand... :)


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Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', first I wanna wish my bagel-eatin' beanie-wearin' brothers a happy new year. Hopefully their last, bejeez, if Ahmadinejad has anything to say about it, God forgive me. And now Larry Craig wants to withdraw his guilty plea, what he should have withdrawn was his foot from the other guy's stall, bejeez! Maybe what he should really do is go to Russia, where they're havin' a shalaylee-hidin' day. He could invade a lotta red bathrooms, and maybe even leave his mark if the man's pulls his hummer into the garage a bit too quick if you get me drift, ya chicken-faced crusty assface, bejeez. These poor Senators are havin' a bad coupla months Imus in the Morn'. I heard on the news the other day a hooker told Senator Vitter no because she had a headache. It doesn't get much worse than that, at least that's what Larry Craig said, bejeez. And is it me, Imus in the morn', or does Hillary Clinton's fugitive fund-raiser, the nippy-eyed Hsu, look a lot like that artifical boy Zeno that was released the other day? Resemblence is uncanny, bejeez! I'm surprised the little robot isn't printin' the bills for the horned ho herself, God forgive me.

Now bow your heads, ya sacreligious bastards, and let's pray. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, a burly cell mate for that polygamist leader we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the New England Patriots leave the video cameras on in the locker room too, and that the tape gets found so that homos like Lance Bass rub out a knuckle child or two, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the next time the Nationals and Marlins play that someone attends, before the owners of the team drive through the stadium with their Benzes, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Rutgers player Kia Vaughn
b) Senator Hillary Rotten Clinton
c) Speechless idiot Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these morons have to sit down before they go to the bathroom, the answer is clearly a, because unlike the other two idiots, at least Kia has enough sense to know when she's in over her head, bejeez - God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', I'm sure you heard that osama bin dumbshit put out another video to coincide with the anniversary of 9/11. If you look closely in the video, his beard isn't gray anymore. His resemblence to Obama is getting closer than just his name, bejeez! As a matter of fact, the "Just for Men" people got him in their latest advertising blitz - next I hear they're goin' after Christiane Amanpour, another terrorist, bejeez. And speakin' of Obama, his own wife calls him snory and stinky. Sounds like what Slick Willy says about the fish monger he's married to, bejeez.

But anyway, Imus in the Morn', let's get down to business before Cate Blanchett decides she wants to dress up as you for a movie based on your life, bejeez. Also, ya buzzard-faced dingbat, President BB Brain had a horrible day at the Sydney Opera House. No, it wasn't because of the shrill shrieks and screams of the performers that reminded him of his own bedroom, but because some dingbats tried to act like terrorists, disguing themselves as Canadians and dressin' one of their own up as osama bin dumbshit. By the time he left, President BB Brain was flinging his doo doo at the Prime Minister with his hands like a monkey after saying "kho-kho" for half an hour in front of the podium and borin' the dumb bastards to tears, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, it's time to pray.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the I-man makin' an announcement we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the iPhone's price drops a little more, and the all the dingbats that bought it again show Steve Jobs the door, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Mike Nifong has a nice time in jail, and that the inmates don't treat his ass like a drunk driver does to a guard rail, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Laura Bush's neck surgery goes well, and that the surgeons don't accidentally kill her, sending this bitch hell, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Bloated TV bitch Oprah Winfrey
b) Hotel harlot Paris Hilton or
c) Emmy-hostin' ho Ellen Degeneres

Which doesn't belong and why?!

Well despite the fact that all three of these snotfaced bitches could all pose to be poster children for birth control, the answer is clearly b, hotel harlot Paris Hilton - because unlike the other two dingbats, Paris Hilton is the only one who doesn't walk into someone's home and rip up a piece of the rug and start munchin' on it, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

I take no pleasure in this, but I have to tell you all that Imus in the Morn' was decapitated by this angry bull dyke in Texas. She called him one ugly creature, holding his head in front of the Associated Press' cameras. All they showed were his big ears, large fangs, and grayish-blue, mostly hairless skin. It was a perfect match, bejeez, even down to the dental records!

I also wanna take a moment to talk about this whole Larry Craig thing. Did he really think by him getting up and giving a stupid statement last Tuesday that it would really help him? I mean seriously - look at this egghead. He's so gay he could guess the flavor of a lollipop just by sitting on it, bejeez. He reminds me of that song they sing at the baseball games - 3 taps and you're out! And also, the fairy governor's wife from New Jersey is offering her support to Mrs. Craig. She should really be talkin' to Liza Minelli - a woman who actively sought out to marry a gay man, bejeez. Speakin' of patrolmen on the Hershey highway, did you see Andy Dick bitch-slappin' a papparazzi when he wasn't busy peein' on the floor of an Ohio nightclub? This guy's another one of those supposed fence-sitters. Pick a side there, fella. Maybe give Senator Craig a call and tell him he can use you to practice hidin' his salami, bejeez.

And what's goin' on at the White House for Christ's sake - everyone is jumpin' off the SS BB Brain like it were the Titanic! First Rove, then Gonzales, and now Snow - they should have a trio of cello players on the South Lawn and a couple of interns rearrangin' the chairs on the Truman balcony. The members of his cabinet are goin' down faster than a fat chick in the Oval Office in 1996, bejeez.

Now bow your heads - time to pray.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost - Imus on WABC and cable TV next week we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that for every Rutgers player that Don Imus emotionally scratched, may Al Sharpton give a good pound in the snatch, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Leona Helmsley's dog pays his taxes, before the SPCA has to get out the axes, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Mike Nifong has a good time during his day in jail, and other prisonmates get to use him for a piece of tail, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Fluttering fairy Larry Craig
b) Quaint queeny Jim McGreevey
c) Voluptuous vixen Anna Nicole Smith

Despite all three of these idiots enjoy gettin' hit in the face by a fresh load of man juice, the answer is clearly a - fluttering fairy Larry Craig, because unlike the other two idiots, he's the only one who manages to break the law while doin' it, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', did ya see that Senator Larry Craig starred in a movie called "Brokeback Bathroom"? This foot-tappin' sex monger just rubbed out his re-election chances, bejeez. Shoulda pled not guilty, ya shalaylee hidin' schmuck ya. And in even bigger news, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales quit, effective the middle of September. President BB Brain says his good name was dragged through the mud, like that black man tied to the back of those Texans' pickup, God rest his soul.

It seems the French want to get in on the action, too. Sarkozy was sayin' today how he wants to attack Iran. The whole concept is pretty funny, Imus in the Morn' - the French fighting a war. Ha, that's like a priest touching a girl. It'll never happen, bejeez! And now Britney Spears is being targeted in a child abuse investigation. Stevie Wonder could have seen that. Are they goin' after Federline next? Buncha slimy bastards, bejeez.


Now bow your heads, and let's pray. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Ana Marie chokin' on her last name want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Michael Vick has a good time in the slammer, and his burly cellmate named Bubba treats Vick's poophole to his hammer, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray Miss South Carolina can finally track down a map, and hopefully it keeps this dumb ho from usin' her noisy trap, Lord hear our prayer. Finally, Lord, we pray the rate slows of people who get obese, and these fat bastards start eating more greens in place of meat, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Disgraced Congressman Mark Foley
b) House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
c) Embattled radio icon Imus in the Morn'

While all three of these putrid morons all deserve to be set on fire and have their ashes scattered into the depths of space, the answer is clearly c, embattled radio icon Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two dingbats, Imus is the only one with wrinkly flaps of skin who doesn't insist on the rest of the world suckin' on them in sleazy airport bathrooms, bejeez.

God bless us and save us.

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

What a hell of a news week it's been, Imus in the Morn'. Canine-killer Michael Vick is finally bein' put in the pound - well, they'll pound him alright if you get me drift, bejeez. Kiss the NFL goodbye, ya chest-thumpin' pimp ya. And last night, MSLSD had a story about people in their eighties still playin' hide the shalaylee - is this true, Imus in the Morn'? You'd know better than anyone. In addition to this, a bunch o' cops in Deerpark, New York were all at a local Hooters partyin' the other night but no one was on duty. Damn decadent owl comprimisin' the security of that there city, bejeez. And last on the list of utter crap and nonsense for the week, Imus in the Morn', is that pigeon crap might have caused the collapse of the bridge in Minneapolis. Talk about the government really steppin' in a pile of their own guano, bejeez. Can't they hire an illegal alien to clean it off with a toothbrush? That's what I call amnesty and a desire to work, bejeez!

Now let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn'. The Democrats, asses that they are, keep goin' for each other's throats. Obama's wife spent the week takin' shots at Hillary Clinton askin' her how she could expect to run the White House if she can't run her own house, bejeez. Physician, heal thyself. And also, John Edwards is clingin' to life in the Democrat race by the tensile strength of a pubic hair, bejeez. Give it up Johnny, your time is up. This man has spent more time runnin' for office, than he did in the office he was elected to, bejeez. And Giuliani's opponents are tryin' to use his New York record against him. The only thing I'd hold against him is that godawful combover he tried to pull off for so long. Get a haircut, bejeez, or at least a toupée. And now Mitt Romney, who's my candidate by the way, is muddlin' his stance on abortion, claimin' he backs the states to make their own decisions about abortion, until the whole country can ban it again. Pick a side there, fella, and stick with it, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, you heathen bastards, and let's say a prayer, so I can get the hell up to the hospital. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man gettin' his wrinkled old ass back on the air we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Vladimir Putin doesn't go out again without a shirt, but instead the paparazzi get a shot of this commie douchebag in a skirt. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that no one gives Michael Vick a chance, and when they send him to the pound the whole country does a dance, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray the Chinese keep at learning English, and the next time I go to a nippy-eyed restaurant, they bring me out the right dish, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Dopie and Anthony
b) JV and Elvis
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three were driven out of town by loud-mouthed, opinionated beanie-wearers, the answer is clearly a, Dopie and Anthony, because unlike the other two dingbats, they're still on the air, bejeez.

God bless us and save us! (more)

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

What a weekend it's been, Imus in the Morn'. Merv Griffin, God rest his soul, took a spin at his own wheel of fortune, and ended up on dead, bejeez. Did you see the Mormon from Massachusetts won the Iowa straw poll, ya decayin' douche bag ya? He's makin' a big deal out of it, too - why don't we see which way the wind is blowin' tomorrow, especially after Satan starts lettin' out some of her own hot air, bejeez.

It caught my attention today that Kevin Federline is tryin' to gain custody of him and Britney Spears' unholy children. Why, for God's sake, would someone give them from her to him? Chris Benoit would make a better father than him, bejeez, and the little heathens would probably stay alive a little while longer too.

They've said that the United States has fallen on the life expectancy ranking. I, for one, don't believe it! Every year I get to see you get more and more fossilized, and every year I think to myself that more and more, you're starting to resemble the product of an abortion conceived by Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Rosie O'Donuts, ya stinky dyin' douchebag ya bejeez.

And speakin' of piles of useless dung, did you see that President BB Brain has finally flushed the turd blossom? Goodbye, and good riddance, bejesus, to this Rush Limbaugh-lookin' war criminal. What happened, Georgie? Was he stinkin' up the White House more than the Prime Minister of India, bejesus?

Now bow your heads, dirtbags, and let's pray so I can get the hell over to the Monday night mass. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, a pine box for the I-man we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the Republicans do well on the debate on YouTube, instead of appearin' as a bunch of boobs, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Dan Rather has no chance at a comeback, and that the viewers don't rally behind this braindead ninety-year-old hack, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we hope that the people stuck in the mine turn out okay, and that everyone reading this joins with me to pray, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Turd-blossoming war criminal Karl Rove
b) CNN newsbunny Anderson Cooper
c) Buzzard-faced douche bag Imus in the Morn'

Despite the fact that all three of these mentally-handicapped morons ride safety helmets on the short bus on a daily basis, the answer is clearly b, because unlike the other two dingbats, CNN newsbunny Anderson Cooper is the only one you can expect to find with his face shoved into a pillow at the end of the night, screamin' out Brad Pitt's name while another man keeps knockin' on his back door, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!