Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's good to see ya put 3 weeks into your new show, and then took a week off for vacation. What're ya tired from, dirtbag - not used to dryheavin' for so long without takin' a break anymore, bejeez? Was your little kiddie camp and it's lack of air while ya sleep startin' to be appealin', ya antediluvian douche bag ya, bejeez.

Did ya see what happened to Bhutto yesterday, Imus in the Morn'? Poor lady, God rest her soul, but the ragheads guardin' her apparently didn't learn anything from the Kennedy deal, bejeez. If there's one thing these idiots should learn from the people they hate the most, it's how to protect their damn leaders instead of watchin' their heads fly off in fifteen different pieces. It's like Humpty Dumpty all over again. You don't see Osama bin Dumbass walkin' around with a bullseye strapped to his back, do ya, so why'd this poor lady stick her neck out, literally, bejeez?! And to make matters worse, ya deflated windbag, her supporters thought it would be a good idea to run around their town and start settin' the bank, the post office, the buses, and the trains on fire, bejeez. That'll do a lotta good. No wonder those cavemen have been havin' dirt meals for the last millenium, bejeez.

And speakin' o' necks, Imus in the Morn' - Hillary Clinton's neck is startin' to look like yours, bejeez! That whole Mother Goose look is startin' to catch on. You two are gonna make Doris Roberts look like Miss America, bejeez. Or maybe, could it be from the jug-eared mulatto with the Jew-hatin' name tuggin' at her re-election chances, and it startin' to show on her face? I caught a glimpse of her on the Drudge website the other day, Imus in the Morn', and I thought that Barbara Bush was campaigning, bejeez. Same look, y'know - tank with eyes movin' straight ahead. Get out of the way, ya knocked-kneed buncha faggots ya, lest ye be run over by the Great Satan!

With all this talk of guns and evil Imus in the Morn, I've gotta make mention of Mike Huckabee thinkin' he's the Vice-President. The other day, this idiot decided to go pheasant hunting with a bunch o' mainstream media types and got a little trigger happy, firin' a coupla shots over their pea-brained pinheads, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, ya buncha dirtbags, and let's say a prayer. This past Tuesday was the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! The person, you dimwits, not the explitive you shout at wee little Wyatt when he kicks your flabby backside at a game of chess in three moves, bejeez. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Ashley Alexander back with the I-man we want the most, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that a video tape surfaces of Edwards and Obama, and the 400-dollar haircuttin' faggot is givin' it in Obama's backside just like he does to his babies' mama, Lord hear our prayer! And finally, Lord, we pray that the late night shows get back on the air and quick - before these nighttime nitwits start dependin' on the new Imus in the Morn' for sarcastic wit, bejeez.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Britney Spears
b) Christina Aguilera
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these no-talent hacks have all polluted the airwaves with their own brand of stench, the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has never given birth to his own spawn, let alone takin' it in the belly button in hopes of gettin' knocked up, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless, ::clears throat::

Well ya buncha heathen dirtbags, we made it to the end of our nightmare, just like Anna Nicole in a cheap Florida motel, bejeez. Now let's get down to some real business, before I go into retirement. I've just about run out of Poligrip, so I'll make this quick.

It's nice to know that Imus in the Morn' will be pollutin' the airwaves with his regular brand of stench tomorrow. Although if Al Sharpton had any say in it, he'd only be stinkin' up his own house, which rest assured, the decayin' cadaver has done by soilin' his adult diapers every coupla hours, bejeez. In fact, I have been told on good authority, that Al Sharpton and Al Roker plan on showin' up at the new studio tomorrow to congratulate Imus in the Morn' with a cocktail and a speedball. I've got a question for ya though Imus in the Morn' - why only a five year deal? Are you afraid that one day the good Lord himself is gonna call for ya? Not likely, if he hasn't already, bejeez.

Now let's talk about somethin' serious, ya mischevious scumbag ya, bejeez. Did ya see this fat pig in the Sudan was locked up for namin' her teddy bear Muhammad? Those Muslims, I tell ya - friendly and peaceful buncha people they are, bejeez. No one said a word when Mrs. Imus named her teddy Jesus, and the only reason she did was because the whole time on the weddin' night, she kept thinkin' to herself, "Jesus, I hope he croaks from seein' me in this." The only time I'll name someone Muhammad is if I'm in Jersey waitin' for someone to put some gas in the Eganmobile, bejeez.

And did ya see sparks flyin' on the set of MSNBC the other day, Imus in the Morn'? They're gonna be broadcastin' from a jail bathroom pretty soon, bejeez. Better bring a butt plug before ya get a real poke in the poop chute. Unless of course you're Morning Joe, who's been takin' it from the backside since day one from none other than Steve Capus, who is so much of a faggot he could guess the flavor of a lollipop by sittin' on it, bejeez. He's probably been playin' with that little boy Dan Abrams a bit too much, God forgive me, with his equilibrium all thrown off from takin' only one ball on the chin. Explains the ugly mop of hair surroundin' his Picasso-lookin' face, bejeez. And speakin' of television hosts who won't be havin' shows for much longer, Al Roker's gonna be buried in a woodpile soon enough, God rest his soul!

Now bow your heads ya heathen pricks, and let's pray - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man to live til 6 AM tomorrow we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Hugo Chavez tries to cut back the U. S.'s supply of oil, and the economics effects of that cause this fat man's pants to get soiled, Lord hear our prayer Lord, we pray that Oprah's guy Hussein Obama cuts ahead of Mrs. Clinton, just to see this vampire witch bite his head off in the Senate kitchen, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that the ratings on WFAN's morning show tank, and that Chernoff ends up firin' Boomer and the bald-headed skank, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Al Sharpton
b) Al Roker
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has 1000 people comin' out to support him tomorrow, and the other dirtbags don't even get love from the fleas that live in their beds, bejeez.

God bless us and save us! Fake Cardinal Egan has now officially entered retirement! Welcome back, cowboy!