Friday, June 29, 2007


Well idiots, good morning and God bless. ::clears throat::

The cardinal's a bit laid up this morning. He had some bad Chinese food last night and spent the night in agony praying to the porcelain God, Lord forgive me. Damn slanty-eyed gooks can't see what they're putting in the cardinal's food, bejeez. Needless to say, the Cardinal isn't going to work today either. He'll be saying his prayers from home today.

Now let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn'. The business is these bunch of blasphemous morons are setting up a little charade outside the Today show as we speak. I hope you're looking down on these nimrods Imus in the Morn' and shaking your head, bejeez. They're playing this eulogy for you on WFAN too, celebrating your "memory", though I think we should be celebrating your death in all honesty. It's about time we planted you, you pathetic bastard. Now Deirdre can find out who the real father of Wyatt is. Hell, he's old enough now to start helping her with her homework! You think all that tossing and turning while you slept was how he was conceived, you flippin' douche bag ya bejeez? It takes more than that, you satchel-faced buffoon. Didn't you pay attention in fifth grade or were you too busy checking out the preschoolers?

They're playing this little bit on WFAN about you and Bill Clinton, Imus in the Morn' - saying how he "revolutionized" your show. He certainly left his mark, if you know what I mean. His fishmongering wife can't say that. The Lincoln bedroom wasn't the only thing she was selling out, bejeez.

Now let's say a quick prayer so the cardinal can go the hell back to bed. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus back on the air we want the most - Lord hear our prayer. Lord we pray that Al Roker gets fired, and in the same breath the I-man gets rehired. And finally Lord we pray that the studios at MSNBC, get drifted out into the Atlantic sea.

God bless us and save us!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Good evening and God Bless! ::clears throat:: The Cardinal's on an f-in roll, today, bejeez!

Well this rally thing is a few hours away. I sure hope these pencil-necked idiots know what the hell they're doing. Just what the I-man needs is 3, if he's lucky, dolts on television making idiots out of themselves. If there's one thing worse than some mentally prepubescent 30 year-olds acting like morons on national television, it's someone doing it in the name of Imus in the Morn', bejeez!

Did you see that wrestler who took out his whole family, Imus in the Morn'? Sounds like something the skeleton with the cowboy hat would have done on April 13 around 10:30 in the morn'. They said it was "roid rage" - keep Hulk Hogan the hell away from me, bejeez!

There's a story they're airing over there on CNN Imus in the Morn'. It's not like you'd have the sentience to know that, you decaying corpse you, bejeez. Turns out that researchers are looking at how people walk to determine if they're gay by strapping a red light to their ass and turning the lights out and filmin' it. Sounds like a porno at the Imus house, bejeez. I have a solution to this, though! I say we send Clay Aiken and Anderson Cooper on a date and see how they walk after that. Their asses will be red and glowing, that's for sure. Those pillow biting fudgepackers would make excellent research subjects, bejeez! We could even put one on you, Imus in the Morn', but you can't walk more than five steps without choking on your own air. Go fall off a horse again you flippin' douchebag ya, bejeez!

Now bow your heads and let's pray! I got other things to do today that don't involve you retards!

In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Imus taking his last breath we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pay that on the day we finally resolve this whole mess, that the I-man actually beats wee little Wyatt at a game of chess, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord we pray that now that Paris Hilton is out of jail, she gets drunk again and has intimate relations with a guard rail, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?! Which doesn't belong and why! A: Larry King. B: Contessa Brewer. C: Imus in the Morn'! Well the answer is clearly B you morons because even though all three of these chain-smoking no talent hacks deserve an early visit from the angel of death, Contessa Brewer can actually get up and move around without worrying about having a heart attack!

God bless us and save us!


[This was initially posted as a comment on]

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', let's hurry up and make this quick so I can get the hell back over to the cathedral. I hear Mel Gibson is planning on joining this bunch of faggots that plan on going to the Today show and WFAN on this Friday Imus in the Morn'. They're gonna send him up to deal with the beanie-wearing bagel-eating management in the offices who are responsible for this whole mess.

I know the I-man is too much of a hen-pecked puss to show up. He might go into a coughing fit and knock the whole damn building down a moment after they agree to put his God forsaken show back on the air. I shouldn't be so harsh on the recently departed though. If there's one thing this little "vacation" has done for you, Imus in the Morn', it's put you where you really belong, in the damn ground, bejeez.

MCCORD! You got your nose so far up Francesa's butt you're starting to smell like his crap. One of these days he's gonna open his mouth and your head is gonna pop out, bejeez. Pretty soon you're gonna be playin' a little game of hide the shalaylee with him, you box-headed coke-bottled glassed idiot ya bejeez. Don't even get me started on that fat bastard Carlin and any of his antics, bejeez.

Now let's talk about something important you uneducated scumbag ya, bejeez. Did you see Rosie O'Donuts dressed her kid up as a terrorist? It's about time her true colors came out. What's she gonna do with the little thing? Send her to the fish factory on a heist, bejeez? She can get enough fish in her own bedroom so she won't be hungry for a year. Look at her, the fat pig - she could miss a meal or twenty. Put her on a vegan diet and she may end up looking worse than you, Imus in the Morn'.

Now bow your heads you sacreligious bastards you bejeez, and let's say a prayer so I can get the hell back over to the cathedral. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Al Roker fired over epileptic slurs we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord we pray that when the tuna lickin' Clinton loses the election, she'll be on the other end of Barack Hussein Obama's tiny little erection, Lord hear our prayer. Lord help us forgive CBS for firing the I-man, and hope that Les Moonves's head ends up in a trash can, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we hope the I-man gets back on his toes, and stays there after calling those girls those bad three words, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?! Which doesn't belong and why! A: MSNBC. B: CBS. C: Imus in the Morn'! Well I'm not waiting for you dumb schmucks to answer because the answer is clearly C, Imus in the Morn', because unlike these other two idiots, the only way Imus gets to be in a Jew is when he's screwing Mrs. Imus, and that hasn't happened since the 90's!

God bless us and save us.