Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's been about two months, and I'm relegated to bein' on the back of a sour milk carton. I hope your fever goes so high yer stupid head spontaneously combusts, ya scarecrow-lookin' douche bag ya, bejeez!

Let's talk about the State of the Union address the other night, Imus in the Morn'. Hillary clinton, dressed up like a Chinese flag, leavin' one to only imagine where the five stars were, God forgive me. Nothin' like her sendin' a shout out to yer old homies at the last stage of only other man to ever be on top of ya, flaming dingbat! Or maybe, just maybe, it was a tailor-made outfit from her father, the grandmaster of Hell himself! I couldn't tell, but I hope he left a little hole in the back for her tail to poke out, bejeez. Where's the pitchfork honey, forget it at home or did ya let the stainmaker borrow it again? And then, when this horn-headed bitch goes to shake hands with the brandy-nosed bridge diver himself, the Hussein oreo turns his back to speak with Senator McCaskill, who at a quick glance does resemble the great satan herself, bejeez, except for the receeding hairline, God forgive me.

And what's the deal with Rudy Giuliani, Imus in the Morn'? This hobbit-lookin' hunched over ol' dwarf's campaign dropped faster than a Thai hooker in an airport bathroom. Happy trails, indeed, and enjoy your time at the family reunion - say hi to your kids for me!
Now, we're left with McCain and Romney dukin' it out like a nurse with a patient in a nursing home. Respect your elders, bejeez, even if they do have black babies.

Now bow your heads ya heathen dirtbags - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Bill Clinton to shut the hell up we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that woman who put her grandson in the dog cage is sentenced by a judge to go to a vet to be spayed, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the falling satellite, falling at a deadly rate right on Steve Capus' stupid block head, Lord hear our prayer.

Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) George W. Bush
b) Howard Stern
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these former drug-addicted dirtbags should all have checked out a very, very long time ago, the answer is clearly a, George W. Bush, because unlike the other two idiots, even Howard Stern has at least one person to who cares about what he has to say on that stupid satellite deal.

God bless us and save us!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

I wanna run through some of the presidential candidates for you Imus in the Morn'. Just so we're all on the same when it comes to these idiots, although we all know that you, with the exception of John McCain, would close your eyes and wish them into the cornfield, ya scarecrow-lookin' crater-faced idiot, bejeez

Speakin' of McCain, let's start with him - the only candidate who met his second wife while she was babysittin' his first wife's children. Let's just say he didn't keep her around for the cookin', bejeez. And what about Mike Huckabee - just what this country needs, Imus in the Morn', is some sweaty fat guy campaignin' around in a skin-tight leotard claimin' he lost weight by changin' his diet and increasin' his exercise. The real way he lost his fat suit was by switchin' to a diuretic and laxative diet while listenin' to his own sermons from years gone by, God forgive me. Poor bastard; probably left him as raw as the last cow they slaughtered there on that farm network, bejeez. Next is Mitt Romney - God bless him and his seven wives - who is about as well-spoken as Fabio readin' a cue card made from pieces of scrap paper stuck together with expired spermicidal jelly, ya antediluvian douche bag bejeez. On the other side is Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, who are dukin' it out like two ram mountain sheep buttin' heads. Watchin' Hillary Clinton give her winnin' speech last night was like watchin' grass grow. Just what the American people need is a trifecta from hell - Hillary Clinton as president, Nancy Pelosi as speaker, and that Gladys Kravtiz-lookin' Ruth Bader Ginsberg on the bench. Then there's the colored fella with the Jew hatin' name, livin' in a fairy tale apparently. One thing's for sure - he's given the tuna-lickin' dingbat a run for her money. If he had his way, he'd be shovin' her face down on the carpet and makin' her eat it, but she'd probably enjoy it, bejeez. I know I missed a few in there, Imus in the Morn', but for one real reason - they're just so damn irrelevant right now!

It's time to pray, bejeez, now bow your heads! In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, another camera at WABC we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Al Sharpton gets another orange jail jump suit, and some fat pig inmate hides his shalaylee where this idiotic scum used to poop, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that Dennis Kucinich finally goes back to Neptune, and gets the hell off this planet, the stupid crazy loon, Lord hear our prayer.

Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Former Senator Trent Lott
b) The Late, Great Senator Strom Thurmond
c) Newly reformed Imus in the Morn'

Answer me that, ya shriveled up bag o' pus ya, bejeez. Well despite the fact that all three of these mentally-challenged idiots have, at one time or another, uttered racial slurs about their brothers by different mothers, the answer is clearly B, the late, great Senator Strom Thurmond because unlike the other two air-suckin' mental patients, Strom Thurmond is the only one who actually checked out, with nothin' let of him but his hand comin' out of the ground flippin' the bird to anyone who'll take notice.

God bless us and save us!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's good to hear you say you know who you should and shouldn't be invitin' back on your stupid show, bejeez. I'll be expectin' a phone call from your decayin' face, moltin' and mumblin' with your invitation to have me back!

But anyway Imus in the Morn', did ya see the bull dyke junior senator got pounded by the two men on top of her in the Iowa primary? Talk about bein' on the receivin' end, she took it deeper than Fatty Arbuckle's girlfriend takin' a Coke bottle, God rest her soul.

I happened to catch the debates the last coupla nights Imus in the Morn'. Whenever they get on the topic of immigration, I feel like playin' a game of pool, bejeez. Illegal immigrants and a cue ball have a lot in common Imus in the Morn' - the harder you hit 'em, the more English you get out of 'em!

But anyway Imus in the Morn', let's just hope your guy - John McCain - gets more votes in New Hampshire than actors who are plannin' on attendin' the Golden Globes!

Now bow your heads douche drinkers, and let's pray. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, a pine box for the I-man we wan the most, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that Sarkozy and his new girlfriend work out alright, and that dumb ho doesn't jump off the Eiffel tower one night, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that Britney Spears gets all the help she needs, and gets her kids back from Federline by shootin' out his knees, Lord hear our prayer!

Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Hillary Clinton
b) Larry Craig
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of them haven't slept with a man in quite some time and that neither one will ever be elected President of the United States, the answer is clearly C, Imus in the Morn' is the only one who hasn't had to kiss Strom Thurmond's ring at some point in their life.

God bless us and save us!