Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::
I wanna run through some of the presidential candidates for you Imus in the Morn'. Just so we're all on the same when it comes to these idiots, although we all know that you, with the exception of John McCain, would close your eyes and wish them into the cornfield, ya scarecrow-lookin' crater-faced idiot, bejeez
Speakin' of McCain, let's start with him - the only candidate who met his second wife while she was babysittin' his first wife's children. Let's just say he didn't keep her around for the cookin', bejeez. And what about Mike Huckabee - just what this country needs, Imus in the Morn', is some sweaty fat guy campaignin' around in a skin-tight leotard claimin' he lost weight by changin' his diet and increasin' his exercise. The real way he lost his fat suit was by switchin' to a diuretic and laxative diet while listenin' to his own sermons from years gone by, God forgive me. Poor bastard; probably left him as raw as the last cow they slaughtered there on that farm network, bejeez. Next is Mitt Romney - God bless him and his seven wives - who is about as well-spoken as Fabio readin' a cue card made from pieces of scrap paper stuck together with expired spermicidal jelly, ya antediluvian douche bag bejeez. On the other side is Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, who are dukin' it out like two ram mountain sheep buttin' heads. Watchin' Hillary Clinton give her winnin' speech last night was like watchin' grass grow. Just what the American people need is a trifecta from hell - Hillary Clinton as president, Nancy Pelosi as speaker, and that Gladys Kravtiz-lookin' Ruth Bader Ginsberg on the bench. Then there's the colored fella with the Jew hatin' name, livin' in a fairy tale apparently. One thing's for sure - he's given the tuna-lickin' dingbat a run for her money. If he had his way, he'd be shovin' her face down on the carpet and makin' her eat it, but she'd probably enjoy it, bejeez. I know I missed a few in there, Imus in the Morn', but for one real reason - they're just so damn irrelevant right now!
It's time to pray, bejeez, now bow your heads! In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, another camera at WABC we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Al Sharpton gets another orange jail jump suit, and some fat pig inmate hides his shalaylee where this idiotic scum used to poop, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that Dennis Kucinich finally goes back to Neptune, and gets the hell off this planet, the stupid crazy loon, Lord hear our prayer.
WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY!?
Which doesn't belong and why?
a) Former Senator Trent Lott
b) The Late, Great Senator Strom Thurmond
c) Newly reformed Imus in the Morn'
Answer me that, ya shriveled up bag o' pus ya, bejeez. Well despite the fact that all three of these mentally-challenged idiots have, at one time or another, uttered racial slurs about their brothers by different mothers, the answer is clearly B, the late, great Senator Strom Thurmond because unlike the other two air-suckin' mental patients, Strom Thurmond is the only one who actually checked out, with nothin' let of him but his hand comin' out of the ground flippin' the bird to anyone who'll take notice.
God bless us and save us!