Good morning and God Bless, ::clears throat::
Well ya buncha heathen dirtbags, we made it to the end of our nightmare, just like Anna Nicole in a cheap Florida motel, bejeez. Now let's get down to some real business, before I go into retirement. I've just about run out of Poligrip, so I'll make this quick.
It's nice to know that Imus in the Morn' will be pollutin' the airwaves with his regular brand of stench tomorrow. Although if Al Sharpton had any say in it, he'd only be stinkin' up his own house, which rest assured, the decayin' cadaver has done by soilin' his adult diapers every coupla hours, bejeez. In fact, I have been told on good authority, that Al Sharpton and Al Roker plan on showin' up at the new studio tomorrow to congratulate Imus in the Morn' with a cocktail and a speedball. I've got a question for ya though Imus in the Morn' - why only a five year deal? Are you afraid that one day the good Lord himself is gonna call for ya? Not likely, if he hasn't already, bejeez.
Now let's talk about somethin' serious, ya mischevious scumbag ya, bejeez. Did ya see this fat pig in the Sudan was locked up for namin' her teddy bear Muhammad? Those Muslims, I tell ya - friendly and peaceful buncha people they are, bejeez. No one said a word when Mrs. Imus named her teddy Jesus, and the only reason she did was because the whole time on the weddin' night, she kept thinkin' to herself, "Jesus, I hope he croaks from seein' me in this." The only time I'll name someone Muhammad is if I'm in Jersey waitin' for someone to put some gas in the Eganmobile, bejeez.
And did ya see sparks flyin' on the set of MSNBC the other day, Imus in the Morn'? They're gonna be broadcastin' from a jail bathroom pretty soon, bejeez. Better bring a butt plug before ya get a real poke in the poop chute. Unless of course you're Morning Joe, who's been takin' it from the backside since day one from none other than Steve Capus, who is so much of a faggot he could guess the flavor of a lollipop by sittin' on it, bejeez. He's probably been playin' with that little boy Dan Abrams a bit too much, God forgive me, with his equilibrium all thrown off from takin' only one ball on the chin. Explains the ugly mop of hair surroundin' his Picasso-lookin' face, bejeez. And speakin' of television hosts who won't be havin' shows for much longer, Al Roker's gonna be buried in a woodpile soon enough, God rest his soul!
Now bow your heads ya heathen pricks, and let's pray - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man to live til 6 AM tomorrow we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Hugo Chavez tries to cut back the U. S.'s supply of oil, and the economics effects of that cause this fat man's pants to get soiled, Lord hear our prayer Lord, we pray that Oprah's guy Hussein Obama cuts ahead of Mrs. Clinton, just to see this vampire witch bite his head off in the Senate kitchen, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that the ratings on WFAN's morning show tank, and that Chernoff ends up firin' Boomer and the bald-headed skank, Lord hear our prayer.
WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?
a) Al Sharpton
b) Al Roker
c) Imus in the Morn'
Well the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has 1000 people comin' out to support him tomorrow, and the other dirtbags don't even get love from the fleas that live in their beds, bejeez.
God bless us and save us! Fake Cardinal Egan has now officially entered retirement! Welcome back, cowboy!