Monday, October 22, 2007

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Good morning to you too, Imus in the Morn'; I got a phone call last night, meant for you - the California Raisins were calling, and they wanted to offer you their botox coupons, bejeez. But I digress, Imus in the Morn'. If you ever do go to Iraq, ya dry-heaving
dirtbag, they should put you in charge. They'll have you makin' naked pyramids of prisoners and take pictures of you tyin' rope knots around their necks after so long. And what's with all these nooses poppin' up all over the country, bejeez? Some limp-wristed scumbags can't tie their shoes, so they have to practice with a bigger string? I hope one of them ends up on Mrs. Clinton's office door, and the whole situation manages to work itself out, God forgive me. Raise the doorknob, you fools! That'd certainly make the young colored fella with the Jew-hatin' name quite happy.

Everyone keeps rantin' and ravin' about Media Matters affecting your new show, Imus in the Morn', but they don't understand, bejeez. If Media Matters ceased to exist, MSNBC would be dark during prime time, just like their mornings are now. If they get desperate enough, they could start settin' the old studio on fire, and claim they're deep in Malibu, bejeez. I'm sure that'd be a real ratings draw, or at least, watchin' one of the plasma TVs collapse on top of that ugly cow Contessa Brewer and pin her to the ground, while an old Imus in the Morn' logo appears on it and brands her in the ass. At least then she could say she knows how Mrs. Imus feels, bejeez.

Now bow your heads ya indecent scumbags ya, bejeez. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus startin' in the sequel to Fudgepack Mountain we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Oral Roberts' school really does change its name, to another four-letter word to showcase the blame, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that NASA comes around to releasing the plane report on the net, and that one of those near-misses was with the I-man's jet, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Ellen Degeneres trades that dog she had in for yet another cat, and that her girlfriend has somethin' nice to say about that, bejeez, Lord hea rour prayer.

Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Rachael Ray
b) Martha Stewart
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these no-talent hacks all suck the life out of morning television, the answer is clearly a, Rachael Ray, because unlike the other two idiots, she's the only one that can pull off fishnet stockings without showing off her varicose veins, bejeez. God bless us and save us!

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