Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::
What a hell of a news week it's been, Imus in the Morn'. Canine-killer Michael Vick is finally bein' put in the pound - well, they'll pound him alright if you get me drift, bejeez. Kiss the NFL goodbye, ya chest-thumpin' pimp ya. And last night, MSLSD had a story about people in their eighties still playin' hide the shalaylee - is this true, Imus in the Morn'? You'd know better than anyone. In addition to this, a bunch o' cops in Deerpark, New York were all at a local Hooters partyin' the other night but no one was on duty. Damn decadent owl comprimisin' the security of that there city, bejeez. And last on the list of utter crap and nonsense for the week, Imus in the Morn', is that pigeon crap might have caused the collapse of the bridge in Minneapolis. Talk about the government really steppin' in a pile of their own guano, bejeez. Can't they hire an illegal alien to clean it off with a toothbrush? That's what I call amnesty and a desire to work, bejeez!
Now let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn'. The Democrats, asses that they are, keep goin' for each other's throats. Obama's wife spent the week takin' shots at Hillary Clinton askin' her how she could expect to run the White House if she can't run her own house, bejeez. Physician, heal thyself. And also, John Edwards is clingin' to life in the Democrat race by the tensile strength of a pubic hair, bejeez. Give it up Johnny, your time is up. This man has spent more time runnin' for office, than he did in the office he was elected to, bejeez. And Giuliani's opponents are tryin' to use his New York record against him. The only thing I'd hold against him is that godawful combover he tried to pull off for so long. Get a haircut, bejeez, or at least a toupée. And now Mitt Romney, who's my candidate by the way, is muddlin' his stance on abortion, claimin' he backs the states to make their own decisions about abortion, until the whole country can ban it again. Pick a side there, fella, and stick with it, bejeez.
Now bow your heads, you heathen bastards, and let's say a prayer, so I can get the hell up to the hospital. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man gettin' his wrinkled old ass back on the air we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Vladimir Putin doesn't go out again without a shirt, but instead the paparazzi get a shot of this commie douchebag in a skirt. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that no one gives Michael Vick a chance, and when they send him to the pound the whole country does a dance, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray the Chinese keep at learning English, and the next time I go to a nippy-eyed restaurant, they bring me out the right dish, Lord hear our prayer!
WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!
a) Dopie and Anthony
b) JV and Elvis
c) Imus in the Morn'
Well despite the fact that all three were driven out of town by loud-mouthed, opinionated beanie-wearers, the answer is clearly a, Dopie and Anthony, because unlike the other two dingbats, they're still on the air, bejeez.
God bless us and save us! (more)