Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

What a weekend it's been, Imus in the Morn'. Merv Griffin, God rest his soul, took a spin at his own wheel of fortune, and ended up on dead, bejeez. Did you see the Mormon from Massachusetts won the Iowa straw poll, ya decayin' douche bag ya? He's makin' a big deal out of it, too - why don't we see which way the wind is blowin' tomorrow, especially after Satan starts lettin' out some of her own hot air, bejeez.

It caught my attention today that Kevin Federline is tryin' to gain custody of him and Britney Spears' unholy children. Why, for God's sake, would someone give them from her to him? Chris Benoit would make a better father than him, bejeez, and the little heathens would probably stay alive a little while longer too.

They've said that the United States has fallen on the life expectancy ranking. I, for one, don't believe it! Every year I get to see you get more and more fossilized, and every year I think to myself that more and more, you're starting to resemble the product of an abortion conceived by Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Rosie O'Donuts, ya stinky dyin' douchebag ya bejeez.

And speakin' of piles of useless dung, did you see that President BB Brain has finally flushed the turd blossom? Goodbye, and good riddance, bejesus, to this Rush Limbaugh-lookin' war criminal. What happened, Georgie? Was he stinkin' up the White House more than the Prime Minister of India, bejesus?

Now bow your heads, dirtbags, and let's pray so I can get the hell over to the Monday night mass. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, a pine box for the I-man we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the Republicans do well on the debate on YouTube, instead of appearin' as a bunch of boobs, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Dan Rather has no chance at a comeback, and that the viewers don't rally behind this braindead ninety-year-old hack, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we hope that the people stuck in the mine turn out okay, and that everyone reading this joins with me to pray, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Turd-blossoming war criminal Karl Rove
b) CNN newsbunny Anderson Cooper
c) Buzzard-faced douche bag Imus in the Morn'

Despite the fact that all three of these mentally-handicapped morons ride safety helmets on the short bus on a daily basis, the answer is clearly b, because unlike the other two dingbats, CNN newsbunny Anderson Cooper is the only one you can expect to find with his face shoved into a pillow at the end of the night, screamin' out Brad Pitt's name while another man keeps knockin' on his back door, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!