Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::
I take no pleasure in this, but I have to tell you all that Imus in the Morn' was decapitated by this angry bull dyke in Texas. She called him one ugly creature, holding his head in front of the Associated Press' cameras. All they showed were his big ears, large fangs, and grayish-blue, mostly hairless skin. It was a perfect match, bejeez, even down to the dental records!
I also wanna take a moment to talk about this whole Larry Craig thing. Did he really think by him getting up and giving a stupid statement last Tuesday that it would really help him? I mean seriously - look at this egghead. He's so gay he could guess the flavor of a lollipop just by sitting on it, bejeez. He reminds me of that song they sing at the baseball games - 3 taps and you're out! And also, the fairy governor's wife from New Jersey is offering her support to Mrs. Craig. She should really be talkin' to Liza Minelli - a woman who actively sought out to marry a gay man, bejeez. Speakin' of patrolmen on the Hershey highway, did you see Andy Dick bitch-slappin' a papparazzi when he wasn't busy peein' on the floor of an Ohio nightclub? This guy's another one of those supposed fence-sitters. Pick a side there, fella. Maybe give Senator Craig a call and tell him he can use you to practice hidin' his salami, bejeez.
And what's goin' on at the White House for Christ's sake - everyone is jumpin' off the SS BB Brain like it were the Titanic! First Rove, then Gonzales, and now Snow - they should have a trio of cello players on the South Lawn and a couple of interns rearrangin' the chairs on the Truman balcony. The members of his cabinet are goin' down faster than a fat chick in the Oval Office in 1996, bejeez.
Now bow your heads - time to pray.
In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost - Imus on WABC and cable TV next week we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that for every Rutgers player that Don Imus emotionally scratched, may Al Sharpton give a good pound in the snatch, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Leona Helmsley's dog pays his taxes, before the SPCA has to get out the axes, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Mike Nifong has a good time during his day in jail, and other prisonmates get to use him for a piece of tail, Lord hear our prayer.
WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!
a) Fluttering fairy Larry Craig
b) Quaint queeny Jim McGreevey
c) Voluptuous vixen Anna Nicole Smith
Despite all three of these idiots enjoy gettin' hit in the face by a fresh load of man juice, the answer is clearly a - fluttering fairy Larry Craig, because unlike the other two idiots, he's the only one who manages to break the law while doin' it, bejeez.
God bless us and save us!