Good morning and God Bless ::clears throat::

Let's get somethin' straight, Imus in the Morn'. These pencil-necked idiots on the internet pretending to be us have to be joking. This dingbat wop on youtube claiming to be me has it wrong in two ways - he has too much hair, and you can't see his hat. He makes his videos with the quality of an underground pornographic movie, bejeez. He's probably got Ana Marie Cox on the other end of a glory hole filmin' it. You know why they call it a glory holy, Ana? No, not because some priest tried to play hide the shalaylee through the confessional window. It's because some chick from the Opie and Anthony show was screaming "Oh God!" in there too many times a coupla' years ago. The hell with that. Bend over, ya skank with the indecent surname. I'll get Al Sharpton give you a hail mary, and it'll be full of something, but I can guarantee you it won't be grace, God forgive me!

Let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn' - Nancy Pelosi's going to write a memoir. What's she going to write about, how to be a grandmother and have no facial expressions because she's so shot up with sausage poison? It makes me wonder if she has any idea where the hell she is half the time. I remember at the State of the Union a few months ago, she kept looking at Bush and Cheney like she had Stockholm syndrome, bejeez. This dried up, tooth-bleached old grandma is a heartbeat away from the presidency, Imus in the Morn' - she'd run the joint with less awareness than Reagan did, God rest his soul!

Now Hussein Obama and Romney are engaged in a heated debate about whether or not sexual education should be taught to kindergartners, bejeez. If it were, I doubt you'd have a wife, vodka breath! Her birth control was probably shaped like a Fred Flintsone vitamin, you cradle-robbin' cadaver ya, bejeez. And now Al Gore's claimin' that eating beef is worse for the environment than driving. Well maybe if the fat bitch would stop eating so much, this cow wouldn't be producing so much methane. I don't question his knowledge of the environment, because if I were that fat and digusting, I know I'd be destroying it too, bejeez! If he really wants to help the planet so much, why don't they send this mensa leader somewhere to make him help clear a mine field!

Bow your heads, you sacreligious bunch of athiest morons, and let's say a prayer. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Al Roker fired we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Also Lord we pray that the I-man gets tangled up in his oxygen tubes, and he gets found hanging from the ceiling like a hot air balloon, bejeez. And finally, Lord we pray that Karen from West Virginia stays as well as she can, and she sticks around long enough to welcome back the I-Man, LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER! (That was hard to rhyme, bejeez!)

Have a lovely weekend! God bless us and save us!