Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's good to see ya put 3 weeks into your new show, and then took a week off for vacation. What're ya tired from, dirtbag - not used to dryheavin' for so long without takin' a break anymore, bejeez? Was your little kiddie camp and it's lack of air while ya sleep startin' to be appealin', ya antediluvian douche bag ya, bejeez.

Did ya see what happened to Bhutto yesterday, Imus in the Morn'? Poor lady, God rest her soul, but the ragheads guardin' her apparently didn't learn anything from the Kennedy deal, bejeez. If there's one thing these idiots should learn from the people they hate the most, it's how to protect their damn leaders instead of watchin' their heads fly off in fifteen different pieces. It's like Humpty Dumpty all over again. You don't see Osama bin Dumbass walkin' around with a bullseye strapped to his back, do ya, so why'd this poor lady stick her neck out, literally, bejeez?! And to make matters worse, ya deflated windbag, her supporters thought it would be a good idea to run around their town and start settin' the bank, the post office, the buses, and the trains on fire, bejeez. That'll do a lotta good. No wonder those cavemen have been havin' dirt meals for the last millenium, bejeez.

And speakin' o' necks, Imus in the Morn' - Hillary Clinton's neck is startin' to look like yours, bejeez! That whole Mother Goose look is startin' to catch on. You two are gonna make Doris Roberts look like Miss America, bejeez. Or maybe, could it be from the jug-eared mulatto with the Jew-hatin' name tuggin' at her re-election chances, and it startin' to show on her face? I caught a glimpse of her on the Drudge website the other day, Imus in the Morn', and I thought that Barbara Bush was campaigning, bejeez. Same look, y'know - tank with eyes movin' straight ahead. Get out of the way, ya knocked-kneed buncha faggots ya, lest ye be run over by the Great Satan!

With all this talk of guns and evil Imus in the Morn, I've gotta make mention of Mike Huckabee thinkin' he's the Vice-President. The other day, this idiot decided to go pheasant hunting with a bunch o' mainstream media types and got a little trigger happy, firin' a coupla shots over their pea-brained pinheads, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, ya buncha dirtbags, and let's say a prayer. This past Tuesday was the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! The person, you dimwits, not the explitive you shout at wee little Wyatt when he kicks your flabby backside at a game of chess in three moves, bejeez. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Ashley Alexander back with the I-man we want the most, Lord hear our prayer! Lord, we pray that a video tape surfaces of Edwards and Obama, and the 400-dollar haircuttin' faggot is givin' it in Obama's backside just like he does to his babies' mama, Lord hear our prayer! And finally, Lord, we pray that the late night shows get back on the air and quick - before these nighttime nitwits start dependin' on the new Imus in the Morn' for sarcastic wit, bejeez.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Britney Spears
b) Christina Aguilera
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these no-talent hacks have all polluted the airwaves with their own brand of stench, the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has never given birth to his own spawn, let alone takin' it in the belly button in hopes of gettin' knocked up, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless, ::clears throat::

Well ya buncha heathen dirtbags, we made it to the end of our nightmare, just like Anna Nicole in a cheap Florida motel, bejeez. Now let's get down to some real business, before I go into retirement. I've just about run out of Poligrip, so I'll make this quick.

It's nice to know that Imus in the Morn' will be pollutin' the airwaves with his regular brand of stench tomorrow. Although if Al Sharpton had any say in it, he'd only be stinkin' up his own house, which rest assured, the decayin' cadaver has done by soilin' his adult diapers every coupla hours, bejeez. In fact, I have been told on good authority, that Al Sharpton and Al Roker plan on showin' up at the new studio tomorrow to congratulate Imus in the Morn' with a cocktail and a speedball. I've got a question for ya though Imus in the Morn' - why only a five year deal? Are you afraid that one day the good Lord himself is gonna call for ya? Not likely, if he hasn't already, bejeez.

Now let's talk about somethin' serious, ya mischevious scumbag ya, bejeez. Did ya see this fat pig in the Sudan was locked up for namin' her teddy bear Muhammad? Those Muslims, I tell ya - friendly and peaceful buncha people they are, bejeez. No one said a word when Mrs. Imus named her teddy Jesus, and the only reason she did was because the whole time on the weddin' night, she kept thinkin' to herself, "Jesus, I hope he croaks from seein' me in this." The only time I'll name someone Muhammad is if I'm in Jersey waitin' for someone to put some gas in the Eganmobile, bejeez.

And did ya see sparks flyin' on the set of MSNBC the other day, Imus in the Morn'? They're gonna be broadcastin' from a jail bathroom pretty soon, bejeez. Better bring a butt plug before ya get a real poke in the poop chute. Unless of course you're Morning Joe, who's been takin' it from the backside since day one from none other than Steve Capus, who is so much of a faggot he could guess the flavor of a lollipop by sittin' on it, bejeez. He's probably been playin' with that little boy Dan Abrams a bit too much, God forgive me, with his equilibrium all thrown off from takin' only one ball on the chin. Explains the ugly mop of hair surroundin' his Picasso-lookin' face, bejeez. And speakin' of television hosts who won't be havin' shows for much longer, Al Roker's gonna be buried in a woodpile soon enough, God rest his soul!

Now bow your heads ya heathen pricks, and let's pray - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man to live til 6 AM tomorrow we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Hugo Chavez tries to cut back the U. S.'s supply of oil, and the economics effects of that cause this fat man's pants to get soiled, Lord hear our prayer Lord, we pray that Oprah's guy Hussein Obama cuts ahead of Mrs. Clinton, just to see this vampire witch bite his head off in the Senate kitchen, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord, we pray that the ratings on WFAN's morning show tank, and that Chernoff ends up firin' Boomer and the bald-headed skank, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Al Sharpton
b) Al Roker
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' has 1000 people comin' out to support him tomorrow, and the other dirtbags don't even get love from the fleas that live in their beds, bejeez.

God bless us and save us! Fake Cardinal Egan has now officially entered retirement! Welcome back, cowboy!

Good morning and God Bless ::clears throat::.

I hope you had a good turkey day Imus in the Morn' and didn't get too worked up watchin' one of your own get carved up ya cannibal. Don't give me any of that vegetarian nonsense - I know the truth, ya loose-necked douchebag ya. I hope you got a good look ya flippin' dirtbag, because that's the type of plastic surgery your wife and child are secretly plannin' for ya - they call it a neckectomy, and in fact, they've already lined up the doctor Kanye West's mother had, bejeez!

Well Imus in the Morn', in a week your nasty mug will induce morning sickness on the country once again. It'll be plenty of fun to watch the heads of those in your live audience go down into brown paper bags faster than Anna Nicole went down on that 80-year-old prune, God rest her soul. Seein' you on the rural network will do wonders for crop growth - seeing how when the farm animals are unlucky enough to walk by the farm house, God forbid, they'll be leavin' piles of Miracle-Gro on the porch, bejeez, seein' one of their own on TV, and from the backside no doubt!

But let's get down to business Imus in the Morn'. Hulk Hogan's wife is filin' for divorce, and the dumb ho forgot to tell him, bejeez! I'm sure it was on her to-do list though, right after Jose the poolboy. And Dennis Rodman is bein' accused of givin' the Bill Clinton treatment to some girl out in Sin City - the only problem is, this dress-wearin' chest-thumpin' half-a-faggot fairy doesn't know which side of the fence he belongs on, bejeez, let alone who - or in his case, what -- to grab!

Now bow your heads scumbags, and let's pray - in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the world's smallest violin for Ron Kuby we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the next term limit referendum held by Chavez is a success, and we pray that it calls for several bullets lodged in the skull of the fat mess, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the Broadway strike comes to an end and soon, so these pillow-biting faggots can get back on their stages to croon, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that the I-man lives out his five year contract, and those mongoloids at Media Matters have nothin' to say about that, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Morning Schmoe
b) Hillary Clinton
c) Imus in the Morn'

The answer is b, ya dirtbags, despite the fact that all three of these hillbillies look like extras from the Deliverance film, Hillary Clinton is the only one who has nightly meetings by the fire with a horned demon she refers to as Daddy - and I'm not talkin' about Bill Clinton, bejeez! God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Good morning to you too, Imus in the Morn'; I got a phone call last night, meant for you - the California Raisins were calling, and they wanted to offer you their botox coupons, bejeez. But I digress, Imus in the Morn'. If you ever do go to Iraq, ya dry-heaving
dirtbag, they should put you in charge. They'll have you makin' naked pyramids of prisoners and take pictures of you tyin' rope knots around their necks after so long. And what's with all these nooses poppin' up all over the country, bejeez? Some limp-wristed scumbags can't tie their shoes, so they have to practice with a bigger string? I hope one of them ends up on Mrs. Clinton's office door, and the whole situation manages to work itself out, God forgive me. Raise the doorknob, you fools! That'd certainly make the young colored fella with the Jew-hatin' name quite happy.

Everyone keeps rantin' and ravin' about Media Matters affecting your new show, Imus in the Morn', but they don't understand, bejeez. If Media Matters ceased to exist, MSNBC would be dark during prime time, just like their mornings are now. If they get desperate enough, they could start settin' the old studio on fire, and claim they're deep in Malibu, bejeez. I'm sure that'd be a real ratings draw, or at least, watchin' one of the plasma TVs collapse on top of that ugly cow Contessa Brewer and pin her to the ground, while an old Imus in the Morn' logo appears on it and brands her in the ass. At least then she could say she knows how Mrs. Imus feels, bejeez.

Now bow your heads ya indecent scumbags ya, bejeez. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus startin' in the sequel to Fudgepack Mountain we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Oral Roberts' school really does change its name, to another four-letter word to showcase the blame, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that NASA comes around to releasing the plane report on the net, and that one of those near-misses was with the I-man's jet, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Ellen Degeneres trades that dog she had in for yet another cat, and that her girlfriend has somethin' nice to say about that, bejeez, Lord hea rour prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Rachael Ray
b) Martha Stewart
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these no-talent hacks all suck the life out of morning television, the answer is clearly a, Rachael Ray, because unlike the other two idiots, she's the only one that can pull off fishnet stockings without showing off her varicose veins, bejeez. God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', hurry up and get your God forsaken butt back on the air. The rumor mill is spinnin' faster than Anna Nicole's mouth around that octogenarian's shalaylee! Imus on WABC, Curtis and Kuby on WOR, and Donna Hanover slippin' back into obscurity in the shadow of Rudy Giuliani where she belongs, that stinky-mouthed ho, bejeez.

Now let's get down to some serious business, Imus in the Morn'. Former Vice President Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize. What the hell is that all about, bejeez? That's like handing the code to the red button over to Ahmadinejad, for God's sake. Just what this methane-producin' cow needs is a Nobel Prize to go along with his Emmy award. What's next for this bloated dingbat? I'd like for him to go on for a motorcycle ride with George Clooney, I'll tell ya that much there, fella. If he wants to fix the hole in the ozone layer, skip the angus burger, bejeez. And speakin' of bloated dingbats, what's with dingy Harry Reid sendin' a letter to Rush Limbaugh's boss, tryin' to get him off the air? I wonder, if he made a few well-placed calls to Reverend Sharpass, maybe his stupid plan could have worked. Just what this fat pill-poppin' loser needs, Imus in the Morn', is to get more notoriety for blowin' out a bunch of hot air. At least he didn't call some of those soldiers na.. well you get the idea, dirtbag. Now Harry Reid can get back to his day job, playing stunt double to Ichabod Crane in the Sleepy Hollow movies, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, ya buncha man-juice guzzlin' homos, and let's pray.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the gay vatican priest gettin' it in the back door from the pope we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Media Matters gets set on fire, and the I-man is reponsible for the arsonist's hire, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Israelis take out another Syrian power plant, and while they're at it, fire a missle directly at al-Assad's pants, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Senator Barbara Mikulski
b) Former View host Rosie O'Donnell
c) Deflated windbag Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these mouth-breathing mongoloids are indistinguishable in a police lineup, the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn' doesn't belong, because unlike the other two idiots, Imus in the Morn' would never be caught dead spelling the alphabet with his tongue on Mrs. Clinton, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

It's nice to be back from my little vacation Imus in the Morn' - and how's yours goin', bejeez? The next time you're on TV, it's gonna be during a funeral procession ya decayin' pedophile ya.

Now let's talk about some important stuff, before me teeth fall out and someone has to go get the Poligrip. Did you see the little man on campus yesterday, Imus in the Morn'? Ahmadinebutt went to Columbia to give a little speech, and when someone asked him about the fine Iranian countrymen engaging of marathons of shalaylee-hidin', he declared such things don't exist in Iran, and questioned where the information came from. I'm sure Larry Craig was listening to this in the background at the time, and when he heard this Aladdin-lookin' mofo say that, he spit his stallmate's junk out of his mouth. I'm sure he could find a lamp for this Napoleon-lookin' schmuck to rub, and he'll get somethin' out of it, but it won't be a genie, and he certainly won't get to make three wishes, bejeez.

By the way, dirtbag, did you happen to see Auntie Remus Hillary Clinton's version of the Wizard of Oz? (Note: http://www.the-two-malcontents.com/wp-content/uploads/wickedwitch_east_hillary.jpg !) She'll get you, Imus in the Morn', and your little horse-chasin' dog too, bejeez. Hopefully, if we're lucky, when this dingbat is on stage acceptin' the nomination that President BB Brain expects her to get, the light fixtures above her will completely and unexpectedly collapse on top of her, leading a pair of stripe-stockinged legs and ruby slippers protruding out from the twisted metal, bejeez. (Note: http://granitegrok.com/pix/wicked_witch.jpg !)

Now bow your heads, scumbags, and let's pray.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man in the morning we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that monks in Burma break their vows of silence, but only when the military's tanks shoot all their asses in a dramatic show of violence, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Kevin Spacey and Hugo Chavez have a fun play date, and we hope that homo Spacey doesn't turn the visit into a date rape, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Fukuda is a good prime minister for the nips, and the opposition party doesn't chop him up like Abe and throw him in the oceanic dip, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Dan Abrams
b) Joe Scarborough
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these morons were once affiliated with the failing cable news channel MSNBC, which should have been blown up in 2006 anyway, the answer is clearly c, Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two dingbats, he chose not to go back to the sinking ship after the the clown reverends started their nonsense.

God bless us and save us!

Wrote this up kinda quick, but I've been in demand... :)


--


Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', first I wanna wish my bagel-eatin' beanie-wearin' brothers a happy new year. Hopefully their last, bejeez, if Ahmadinejad has anything to say about it, God forgive me. And now Larry Craig wants to withdraw his guilty plea, what he should have withdrawn was his foot from the other guy's stall, bejeez! Maybe what he should really do is go to Russia, where they're havin' a shalaylee-hidin' day. He could invade a lotta red bathrooms, and maybe even leave his mark if the man's pulls his hummer into the garage a bit too quick if you get me drift, ya chicken-faced crusty assface, bejeez. These poor Senators are havin' a bad coupla months Imus in the Morn'. I heard on the news the other day a hooker told Senator Vitter no because she had a headache. It doesn't get much worse than that, at least that's what Larry Craig said, bejeez. And is it me, Imus in the morn', or does Hillary Clinton's fugitive fund-raiser, the nippy-eyed Hsu, look a lot like that artifical boy Zeno that was released the other day? Resemblence is uncanny, bejeez! I'm surprised the little robot isn't printin' the bills for the horned ho herself, God forgive me.

Now bow your heads, ya sacreligious bastards, and let's pray. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, a burly cell mate for that polygamist leader we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the New England Patriots leave the video cameras on in the locker room too, and that the tape gets found so that homos like Lance Bass rub out a knuckle child or two, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the next time the Nationals and Marlins play that someone attends, before the owners of the team drive through the stadium with their Benzes, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Rutgers player Kia Vaughn
b) Senator Hillary Rotten Clinton
c) Speechless idiot Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three of these morons have to sit down before they go to the bathroom, the answer is clearly a, because unlike the other two idiots, at least Kia has enough sense to know when she's in over her head, bejeez - God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', I'm sure you heard that osama bin dumbshit put out another video to coincide with the anniversary of 9/11. If you look closely in the video, his beard isn't gray anymore. His resemblence to Obama is getting closer than just his name, bejeez! As a matter of fact, the "Just for Men" people got him in their latest advertising blitz - next I hear they're goin' after Christiane Amanpour, another terrorist, bejeez. And speakin' of Obama, his own wife calls him snory and stinky. Sounds like what Slick Willy says about the fish monger he's married to, bejeez.

But anyway, Imus in the Morn', let's get down to business before Cate Blanchett decides she wants to dress up as you for a movie based on your life, bejeez. Also, ya buzzard-faced dingbat, President BB Brain had a horrible day at the Sydney Opera House. No, it wasn't because of the shrill shrieks and screams of the performers that reminded him of his own bedroom, but because some dingbats tried to act like terrorists, disguing themselves as Canadians and dressin' one of their own up as osama bin dumbshit. By the time he left, President BB Brain was flinging his doo doo at the Prime Minister with his hands like a monkey after saying "kho-kho" for half an hour in front of the podium and borin' the dumb bastards to tears, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, it's time to pray.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, the I-man makin' an announcement we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the iPhone's price drops a little more, and the all the dingbats that bought it again show Steve Jobs the door, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Mike Nifong has a nice time in jail, and that the inmates don't treat his ass like a drunk driver does to a guard rail, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Laura Bush's neck surgery goes well, and that the surgeons don't accidentally kill her, sending this bitch hell, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Bloated TV bitch Oprah Winfrey
b) Hotel harlot Paris Hilton or
c) Emmy-hostin' ho Ellen Degeneres

Which doesn't belong and why?!

Well despite the fact that all three of these snotfaced bitches could all pose to be poster children for birth control, the answer is clearly b, hotel harlot Paris Hilton - because unlike the other two dingbats, Paris Hilton is the only one who doesn't walk into someone's home and rip up a piece of the rug and start munchin' on it, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

I take no pleasure in this, but I have to tell you all that Imus in the Morn' was decapitated by this angry bull dyke in Texas. She called him one ugly creature, holding his head in front of the Associated Press' cameras. All they showed were his big ears, large fangs, and grayish-blue, mostly hairless skin. It was a perfect match, bejeez, even down to the dental records!

I also wanna take a moment to talk about this whole Larry Craig thing. Did he really think by him getting up and giving a stupid statement last Tuesday that it would really help him? I mean seriously - look at this egghead. He's so gay he could guess the flavor of a lollipop just by sitting on it, bejeez. He reminds me of that song they sing at the baseball games - 3 taps and you're out! And also, the fairy governor's wife from New Jersey is offering her support to Mrs. Craig. She should really be talkin' to Liza Minelli - a woman who actively sought out to marry a gay man, bejeez. Speakin' of patrolmen on the Hershey highway, did you see Andy Dick bitch-slappin' a papparazzi when he wasn't busy peein' on the floor of an Ohio nightclub? This guy's another one of those supposed fence-sitters. Pick a side there, fella. Maybe give Senator Craig a call and tell him he can use you to practice hidin' his salami, bejeez.

And what's goin' on at the White House for Christ's sake - everyone is jumpin' off the SS BB Brain like it were the Titanic! First Rove, then Gonzales, and now Snow - they should have a trio of cello players on the South Lawn and a couple of interns rearrangin' the chairs on the Truman balcony. The members of his cabinet are goin' down faster than a fat chick in the Oval Office in 1996, bejeez.

Now bow your heads - time to pray.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost - Imus on WABC and cable TV next week we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that for every Rutgers player that Don Imus emotionally scratched, may Al Sharpton give a good pound in the snatch, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Leona Helmsley's dog pays his taxes, before the SPCA has to get out the axes, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Mike Nifong has a good time during his day in jail, and other prisonmates get to use him for a piece of tail, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Fluttering fairy Larry Craig
b) Quaint queeny Jim McGreevey
c) Voluptuous vixen Anna Nicole Smith

Despite all three of these idiots enjoy gettin' hit in the face by a fresh load of man juice, the answer is clearly a - fluttering fairy Larry Craig, because unlike the other two idiots, he's the only one who manages to break the law while doin' it, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', did ya see that Senator Larry Craig starred in a movie called "Brokeback Bathroom"? This foot-tappin' sex monger just rubbed out his re-election chances, bejeez. Shoulda pled not guilty, ya shalaylee hidin' schmuck ya. And in even bigger news, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales quit, effective the middle of September. President BB Brain says his good name was dragged through the mud, like that black man tied to the back of those Texans' pickup, God rest his soul.

It seems the French want to get in on the action, too. Sarkozy was sayin' today how he wants to attack Iran. The whole concept is pretty funny, Imus in the Morn' - the French fighting a war. Ha, that's like a priest touching a girl. It'll never happen, bejeez! And now Britney Spears is being targeted in a child abuse investigation. Stevie Wonder could have seen that. Are they goin' after Federline next? Buncha slimy bastards, bejeez.


Now bow your heads, and let's pray. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Ana Marie chokin' on her last name want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Michael Vick has a good time in the slammer, and his burly cellmate named Bubba treats Vick's poophole to his hammer, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray Miss South Carolina can finally track down a map, and hopefully it keeps this dumb ho from usin' her noisy trap, Lord hear our prayer. Finally, Lord, we pray the rate slows of people who get obese, and these fat bastards start eating more greens in place of meat, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Disgraced Congressman Mark Foley
b) House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
c) Embattled radio icon Imus in the Morn'

While all three of these putrid morons all deserve to be set on fire and have their ashes scattered into the depths of space, the answer is clearly c, embattled radio icon Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other two dingbats, Imus is the only one with wrinkly flaps of skin who doesn't insist on the rest of the world suckin' on them in sleazy airport bathrooms, bejeez.

God bless us and save us.

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

What a hell of a news week it's been, Imus in the Morn'. Canine-killer Michael Vick is finally bein' put in the pound - well, they'll pound him alright if you get me drift, bejeez. Kiss the NFL goodbye, ya chest-thumpin' pimp ya. And last night, MSLSD had a story about people in their eighties still playin' hide the shalaylee - is this true, Imus in the Morn'? You'd know better than anyone. In addition to this, a bunch o' cops in Deerpark, New York were all at a local Hooters partyin' the other night but no one was on duty. Damn decadent owl comprimisin' the security of that there city, bejeez. And last on the list of utter crap and nonsense for the week, Imus in the Morn', is that pigeon crap might have caused the collapse of the bridge in Minneapolis. Talk about the government really steppin' in a pile of their own guano, bejeez. Can't they hire an illegal alien to clean it off with a toothbrush? That's what I call amnesty and a desire to work, bejeez!

Now let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn'. The Democrats, asses that they are, keep goin' for each other's throats. Obama's wife spent the week takin' shots at Hillary Clinton askin' her how she could expect to run the White House if she can't run her own house, bejeez. Physician, heal thyself. And also, John Edwards is clingin' to life in the Democrat race by the tensile strength of a pubic hair, bejeez. Give it up Johnny, your time is up. This man has spent more time runnin' for office, than he did in the office he was elected to, bejeez. And Giuliani's opponents are tryin' to use his New York record against him. The only thing I'd hold against him is that godawful combover he tried to pull off for so long. Get a haircut, bejeez, or at least a toupée. And now Mitt Romney, who's my candidate by the way, is muddlin' his stance on abortion, claimin' he backs the states to make their own decisions about abortion, until the whole country can ban it again. Pick a side there, fella, and stick with it, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, you heathen bastards, and let's say a prayer, so I can get the hell up to the hospital. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man gettin' his wrinkled old ass back on the air we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Vladimir Putin doesn't go out again without a shirt, but instead the paparazzi get a shot of this commie douchebag in a skirt. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that no one gives Michael Vick a chance, and when they send him to the pound the whole country does a dance, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray the Chinese keep at learning English, and the next time I go to a nippy-eyed restaurant, they bring me out the right dish, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Dopie and Anthony
b) JV and Elvis
c) Imus in the Morn'

Well despite the fact that all three were driven out of town by loud-mouthed, opinionated beanie-wearers, the answer is clearly a, Dopie and Anthony, because unlike the other two dingbats, they're still on the air, bejeez.

God bless us and save us! (more)

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

What a weekend it's been, Imus in the Morn'. Merv Griffin, God rest his soul, took a spin at his own wheel of fortune, and ended up on dead, bejeez. Did you see the Mormon from Massachusetts won the Iowa straw poll, ya decayin' douche bag ya? He's makin' a big deal out of it, too - why don't we see which way the wind is blowin' tomorrow, especially after Satan starts lettin' out some of her own hot air, bejeez.

It caught my attention today that Kevin Federline is tryin' to gain custody of him and Britney Spears' unholy children. Why, for God's sake, would someone give them from her to him? Chris Benoit would make a better father than him, bejeez, and the little heathens would probably stay alive a little while longer too.

They've said that the United States has fallen on the life expectancy ranking. I, for one, don't believe it! Every year I get to see you get more and more fossilized, and every year I think to myself that more and more, you're starting to resemble the product of an abortion conceived by Gollum from Lord of the Rings and Rosie O'Donuts, ya stinky dyin' douchebag ya bejeez.

And speakin' of piles of useless dung, did you see that President BB Brain has finally flushed the turd blossom? Goodbye, and good riddance, bejesus, to this Rush Limbaugh-lookin' war criminal. What happened, Georgie? Was he stinkin' up the White House more than the Prime Minister of India, bejesus?

Now bow your heads, dirtbags, and let's pray so I can get the hell over to the Monday night mass. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, a pine box for the I-man we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray the Republicans do well on the debate on YouTube, instead of appearin' as a bunch of boobs, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Dan Rather has no chance at a comeback, and that the viewers don't rally behind this braindead ninety-year-old hack, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we hope that the people stuck in the mine turn out okay, and that everyone reading this joins with me to pray, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Turd-blossoming war criminal Karl Rove
b) CNN newsbunny Anderson Cooper
c) Buzzard-faced douche bag Imus in the Morn'

Despite the fact that all three of these mentally-handicapped morons ride safety helmets on the short bus on a daily basis, the answer is clearly b, because unlike the other two dingbats, CNN newsbunny Anderson Cooper is the only one you can expect to find with his face shoved into a pillow at the end of the night, screamin' out Brad Pitt's name while another man keeps knockin' on his back door, bejeez.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well congratulations on gettin' your little camp on TV, Imus in the Morn' - of course, it's on a that dogs can't even hear or see. Your intelligence and your foresight is exceeded only by your humility. And might I say, Imus in the Morn', since you don't have much to do these days, why don't you go help out Phil Spector. The judge, the jury, and the police wouldn't even be able to tell the two of you apart, ya wrinkled up Betty Ford-lookin' sissy ya. The two of you are indistinguishable, bejesus!

I saw a story on the news yesterday, Imus in the Morn', about some burqa-wearin' old Muslim shootin' her husband to death while he slept a coupla days ago. He was all set to go to Africa to play hide the salami with some other Hefty-bagged ho he recently married, and she wasn't too keen on that there, fella. I can't blame him though, one look at her and it would make your dog's backside look more desirable. Now I know how Mrs. Imus feels, ya wrinkled up corpse ya.

You know Imus in the Morn', I was walkin' through the pharmacy the other day, and I saw a picture of your face on a bottle of poison right above the label, bejeez. It must have been from the early days though - no wrinkles, just bones, ya decaying scumbag ya.

By the way, Imus in the Morn', I caught a story in the newspaper the other day, about some columnist askin' how members of the public would carry out a terrorist attack. I wrote this dingbat a letter, and told him to shut his pie hole because nobody gives a rat's backside, ya tired old douche bag ya, bejeez. I wouldn't be surprised if you sent him a suggestion, ya stuffed cadaver ya. You know, it's a good thing that taxidermy has come as far as it has, Imus in the Morn', otherwise you'd be nothin' but a skeleton in a cowboy hat propped up in a chair strapped to a heart and lung machine, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, ya buncha sacreligious faggots ya, and let's say a prayer. In the name of the father, the song, and the holy ghost, Imus shot by that burqa-wearin' ho we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Spit it out, ya schmucks ya. Lord, we pray that China does manage to get to the moon, and that they have no way of getting back to Earth, those slanty-eyed buffoons. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that this dingbat in Kansas livin' in his car, stops stinkin' up the town by thinking his toilet is his backyard. Lord hear our prayer. Finally, Lord, we pray that over this weekend the stock market keeps going red, and Jim Cramer has a heart attack and ends up dead, bejeez. Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) MSNBC newsman Dan Abrams
b) CBS newswoman Leslie Stahl
c) Load-swallowin' homo Imus in the Morn'

Well the answer is clearly c, load-swallowin' homo Imus in the Morn', because unlike the other mouth-breathing mongoloids, Imus has more balls than either of the other two combined.

Have a lovely weekend!

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', it's the middle of August, and you're still in the middle of nowhere in terms of announcin' how and when your God forsaken show is plannin' on makin' its way back to the air. What's wrong, ya flippin' moron? Have ya passed away already, bejeez?

Did you happen to see that Guiliani's daughter is supportin' the young colored guy with the Jew hatin' name from Illinois? You know it's bad when your own child won't even vote for you to be president, bejeez. Why don't you ask Wyatt who he'd vote for if you ran, you grizzly old fossil ya. He'd probably vote for Satan before he votes for your dumbass, ya cradle-robbin' cadaver ya, bejeez. And speakin' of the cold war, do you know the man with the Jew hatin' name and Satan-worshipper Hillary Clinton haven't spoken to each other for months? I, for one, find it hard to believe that these two allies of evil can't find it in their black hearts to get along.

And did you see that President BB Brain went over to talk to Musharraf about catchin' Osama? They still think it can be done. Why don't they ask Houdini how he survived all his magic tricks while they're at it, bejeez. And the French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, lost his cool toward a buncha American photographers in New Hampshire this past weekend, Imus in the Morn'. Zut alors, indeed, for these wine-suckin' buncha obstinant hooligans, bejeez. They should be happy their ugly mugs didn't break the cameras, God forgive me.

Now bow your heads, ya buncha heretics, and let's pray. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man goin' for a ride on the 35 bridge we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Whoopi Goldberg does well on The View, and the public doesn't throw up from lookin' at the fugly shrew, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Rachael Ray can finally lose some weight, so she stops gimpin' around with that obese gait, Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that the MSNBC studio catches on fire, and we pray that Steve Capus ends up inside hangin' from a wire, Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?

a) CBS news bunny Katie Couric
b) NBC weatherman Al Roker
c) Morning show idiot Imus in the Morn'

Well the answer is clearly a, CBS news bunny Katie Couric, because unlike the other two idiots, she's the only one who can have a yeast infection and PMS at the same time, and call it a wine and cheese party, bejeez.

God bless us and save us.

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Let me ask ya this, Imus in the Morn'. Did you catch the soccer game the other day? The ragheads Saudis played the Iraqi towelheads, and the towelheads won. I'm surprised they didn't celebrate by sending one of their own to the field with a Jew strapped to his back to blow themselves up, bejeez. Did you see that John Roberts has turned into Gerald Ford, Imus in the Morn'? They said he had a seizure - that he was foamin' at the mouth and turnin' ashy. Sounds like you when you wake up in the morn' you decaying lizard ya. Go hang yourself with your oxygen tubes, you deflated windbag ya, bejeez.

I happened to tune in to that hideous channel MSNBC the other night, Imus in the Morn', and pretty boy Dan Abrams had a picture of you stickin' your patchy tongue out in front of a screen full of crime statistics. Once he cleaned the crap out of his pants, he apologized for the incident, but no one's buyin' it, bejeez. The only crime he should be reportin' on is the one his own damn station pulled when they yanked your God forsaken show off the air, bejeez. And there's a story of a man in Shanghai who was electrocuted by his computer. You better watch out, buttface. One of these days, your microphone may find its way inside your ass courtesy of that Nazi newsman of yours, you misanthropic old monk ya, bejeez. It must be hot out in the desert, Imus in the Morn' - your face is really startin' to look like it's meltin', bejeez. But while you're havin' fun out there runnin' your little boarding school, the news is you're gettin' back on the air soon. I hope not, you two-legged turd ya. The only place you should be goin' is an early grave, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, you heathen bastards, and let's say a prayer. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, the I-man goin' for a ride in a news chopper we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Al Gore's son gets off the drugs, and unlike his father, doens't turn into a big fat lug, bejeez. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Rubert Murdoch knocks the Bancrofts out of Wall Street, and that Shep and Sean stop suckin' on his teats. Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that Star Jones needs surgery again, the nasty old hag, and the next time she leaves the hospital it's in a black body bag. Lord hear our prayer.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!
Which doesn't belong and why?!

a) Neocon newsman Rupert Murdoch
b) Real estate mogul Donald Trump
c) Morning dickhead Imus in the Morn'

Well I'm not waiting for you idiots to answer, when the answer is clearly a - neocon newsman Rupert Murdoch, because despite all these mouth-breathing pedophiles meeting their wives at the local kindergarten, Rupert Murdoch is the only one who can get sucky sucky for twenty dollah and be loved for long time, bejeez.

God bless us and save us.

Good morning and God Bless!

Well Imus in the Morn', the whole country's talkin' about it - this feline who goes around a nursing home, and crawling into beds before old folks are gonna take the dirt nap. You better watch out if you wake up with a cat in your bed, you jaw-locked lizard ya, bejeez.

KITTY CAT, IN YOUR BED
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW YOU ARE DEAD
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR THE LITTLE GRAY BEAST
BEFORE YOU BECOME SOME BUG'S FEAST

THE KITTY'S SO GOOD THEY TAKE BETS
AND THEY CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHO'S UP NEXT
SO THEY PLOT AND THEY PLAN
WHO ENDS UP IN THE CAN
CAUSE HE TOOK ALL THE MONEY AND RAN

And what's with this YouTube debate, Imus in the Morn'? The democrat dingbats are getting so desperate to see that they may have a snowball's chance in hell by stickin' a snowman up to ask "wassup?" I'll tell you what's up, you stiff pecker-necks, and it certainly isn't Bill Clinton's erection, bejeez. And speakin' of Clinton, the cleavage race is about to begin, what with Hillary tryin' to squeeze her fat ass into a scantilly-clad pantsuit. I have some advice for ol' tuna breath's opponents - why not get Gordo Richardson to get a low-cut shirt and give the flat-chested ho a run for her money, bejeez!

Have you seen the stock market in the last few days, Imus in the Morn'? It's droppin' faster than Mrs. Imus' knees did on your first date, you sinful heathen ya, bejeez. And speakin' of young girls goin' south on old dried up perverts, this whole "teen spirit" thing reached a new low with Lindsay Lohan turning into Paris Hilton. Throw all their asses in jail, bejeez, and throw away the damn key!

Now bow your heads, let's say a prayer.

In the name of the father, the son, and holy ghost, the I-man dead and gone we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray for the dead battery of Cheney's pacemaker to leak, so that garlic-breath grandma can finally dispose of him in a creek, bejeez. Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that John Edwards really does shut up, and goes back to lookin' at pictures of guys wearin' jockstrap cups, the dirty ol' faggot bejeez. Lord hear our prayer.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well happy hump day, Imus in the Morn'.

Did you see another one of these drugged-up dopeheads was taken out of the bicycle race? There's a picture of him out the web being led away by policeman. Looks like a raw hamburger on a Kaiser roll. It's like an orgy of dope-addicts tryin' to be circus clowns, bejeez. Speakin' of orgies, Imus in the Morn', the only orgy you've ever had was that Blue Monday song the band made on your I-pod, you wrinkled up douche bag ya. I know it was on there because I saw it back on April 9, bejeez. What happened there, couldn't fit a couple of those in between the powder and the drinks, ya deviant scumbag ya, bejeez?

Speaking of hiding shalaylees, there's a new gel that supposedly blocks STDs. Now Deirdre can finally get it on with Al Roker and not get jungle fever, bejeez. This dumb invention is just another strike against that bastard Darwin, and his natural selection and evolution nonsense. Only an omnipotent God who intelligently designed life on this planet, could also design a group of dingbats to come up with crap like this, bejeez.

Now bow your heads, it's time to pray, bejeez!

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus on the new Fox channel we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that ex-professor Ward Churchill gets a job and quick, and hope that no one tries to kill the little dick. Lord hear our prayer. Finally, Lord we pray that the huge squid in California's waters doesn't get assaulted by one of Rodham daughters, Lord hear our prayer.

God Bless us and save us.

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well happy birthday, Imus in the Morn'! Hopefully your last, bejeez. Time to get out the smellin' salts...

Did you see Tony Blair landed in Israel, Imus in the Morn'? He wants to help the bagel-eaters and the towel-heads stop blowin' each others asses to dust. They're callin' it "Mission Impossible" - and just like Tom Cruise's flop of a movie, this tea-sippin' dingbat will probably wind up head-to-head with Hamas' Mickey Mouse, and end up hangin' headless from bridge somewhere, bejeez!

Have you been watchin' baseball, Imus in the Morn'? Steroid-sucker Barry Bonds is all set to break the homerun record, and no one gives a damn! Reminds me of when Bryant Gumbel left the Today show. It's not that these aren't important events, but honestly - if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, does it make a sound?!

I happened to tune into Larry King half dead the other night Imus in the Morn', and when this hunch-backed hermit isn't gasping for air on life support, he's having kids, bejeez. Watching his show made me change my stance on legalizing marijuana - you'd HAVE to be high to watch this decaying cadaver talk. Poor Tammy Faye - God rest her soul - went on this dingbat's show and died the next day! They said it was cancer, but I think he did her in, the life-suckin' gaping a-hole, God forgive me.

Now bow your heads, it's time to pray!

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, India's new female president to shower we want the most! Lord, hear our prayer! Lord, we wish Don Imus a happy birthday, bejeez, and pray he doesn't have a heart attack next time he goes to sneeze! Lord, hear our prayer! And finally, Lord, we pray that next time high-pitched squeaker David Beckham goes to play in the soccer game, that some fudge-packin' faggot doesn't try to hump him 'til he's lame, bejeez! Lord hear our prayer!

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::Clears throat::

Happy Saturday, Imus in the Morn' - and a happy fifth anniversary to WorldCom's bankruptcy, bejeez. In the Klu Klux Congress this afternoon, Senator Robert 'KKK' Byrd said he wouldn't mind to watch that dreadlocked fairy Michael Vick be put to death for how he treated those dogs, bejeez. Do you think he'll be setting a cross on fire while he watches it, you wrinkled up old buzzard ya. Shut your stupid piehole, ya two-legged anal wart ya Imus in the Morn'.

President BB Brain is having another colonoscopy today, and they're gonna be determining just how far up his butt Helen Thomas has gotten since the last time they looked, bejeez. The wrinkled up little troll was gettin' a little too old to be livin' under her bridge, and she needed a new home that was warmer but still full of feces, bejeez. So while our beloved rocket scientist leader is knocked out, the tickin' time bomb war criminal is gonna play chief executive, God help us. If something happens to this dingbat while BB Brain is knocked out, garlic breath grandma has to step up to lead. At least we have something to look forward to, though. In 18 months the tuna licker and the douche bag with the Jew hating name will replace the current occupants of the White House, then we'll really have something to fear. You know those cyanide pills we've been carrying around, Imus' in the Morn'? Now'd be the time to take them, bejeez.

The last Harry Potter book comes out today, too, Imus in the Morn'. This tawdry tale of a half-load swallowin' homo playin' with spells and magic is a sin against God, bejeez. Then again, if it weren't for children learning how to use such black magic, Mrs. Imus never would've been able to make you get it up so she could have Wyatt, you impotent old douchebag ya bejeez.

Now bow your heads, it's time to pray.

In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Al Roker's head shoved in a toaster we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Imus gets back on the air, the dirty old fag, before they drag him out of his house in a black body bag, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord we pray that this weekend goes by quick, and Steve Capus goes he whole weekend without touchin' a dick, bejeez. Lord hear our prayer.

God bless us and save us.

Good morning and God Bless ::clears throat::

Let's get somethin' straight, Imus in the Morn'. These pencil-necked idiots on the internet pretending to be us have to be joking. This dingbat wop on youtube claiming to be me has it wrong in two ways - he has too much hair, and you can't see his hat. He makes his videos with the quality of an underground pornographic movie, bejeez. He's probably got Ana Marie Cox on the other end of a glory hole filmin' it. You know why they call it a glory holy, Ana? No, not because some priest tried to play hide the shalaylee through the confessional window. It's because some chick from the Opie and Anthony show was screaming "Oh God!" in there too many times a coupla' years ago. The hell with that. Bend over, ya skank with the indecent surname. I'll get Al Sharpton give you a hail mary, and it'll be full of something, but I can guarantee you it won't be grace, God forgive me!

Let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn' - Nancy Pelosi's going to write a memoir. What's she going to write about, how to be a grandmother and have no facial expressions because she's so shot up with sausage poison? It makes me wonder if she has any idea where the hell she is half the time. I remember at the State of the Union a few months ago, she kept looking at Bush and Cheney like she had Stockholm syndrome, bejeez. This dried up, tooth-bleached old grandma is a heartbeat away from the presidency, Imus in the Morn' - she'd run the joint with less awareness than Reagan did, God rest his soul!

Now Hussein Obama and Romney are engaged in a heated debate about whether or not sexual education should be taught to kindergartners, bejeez. If it were, I doubt you'd have a wife, vodka breath! Her birth control was probably shaped like a Fred Flintsone vitamin, you cradle-robbin' cadaver ya, bejeez. And now Al Gore's claimin' that eating beef is worse for the environment than driving. Well maybe if the fat bitch would stop eating so much, this cow wouldn't be producing so much methane. I don't question his knowledge of the environment, because if I were that fat and digusting, I know I'd be destroying it too, bejeez! If he really wants to help the planet so much, why don't they send this mensa leader somewhere to make him help clear a mine field!

Bow your heads, you sacreligious bunch of athiest morons, and let's say a prayer. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Al Roker fired we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Also Lord we pray that the I-man gets tangled up in his oxygen tubes, and he gets found hanging from the ceiling like a hot air balloon, bejeez. And finally, Lord we pray that Karen from West Virginia stays as well as she can, and she sticks around long enough to welcome back the I-Man, LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER! (That was hard to rhyme, bejeez!)

Have a lovely weekend! God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

I want some tape, Imus in the Morn’. Some duct tape to put over Al Sharpton’s mouth so he suffocates on his own hot air, bejeez. But there’s something this prime candidate for a visit from the angel of death is missing, and that’s a soul. Someone needs to tell the fat man with the bug eyes and the gaping mouth to keep eating and stop talking, bejeez. I had a dream last night, Imus in the Morn’, and that is that the next time a tornado strikes Long Island, this mouth-breathing mongoloid gets stuck under a house, and the poor bastards that’d be rescuing his fat ass flip this dickhead the bird and throw some more rubble on the pile, bejeez. Maybe take a pee on it while they’re at it, God forgive me.

What’s this in the news about that two-legged turd Michael Vick being involved in organizing dog fights? Someone ought to throw him into a ring, that buck-toothed faggot, and let a real dog like Hillary Clinton have at ‘im, bejeez. And fat Tim wants to come back on the new Imus in the Morn’, program. He wants to have “Meet the Press” on “Meet the Prick”. Suck it up, tubby – you don’t need to be explodin’ on the I-man. Why doesn’t he stick to something he’s good at – being a fat bitch sucking on a tail pipe. Him and the rest of those dingbats over at MessDNC could take turns blowin’ each other, bejeez.

By the way, buttface, in this decadent and frivolous country, did you see the idiots over at the army took the wrong testicle out of a guy? That’s nuts! I know I’m a little behind in the news cycle, but his poor wife is gonna have her damn equilibrium thrown off by only takin’ one ball in the chin for so long, bejeez.

Now bow your heads and let’s pray, you filthy jackasses ya, bejeez.

In the name of the father, the son, and holy ghost, Imus trapped in the 41st steet hole we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Ahmadinejad’s summer is really hot, and we hope that he spends most if it being cooked inside a pot, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Hillary Clinton isn’t trying to be a man, and that thing between her legs isn’t used when she goes to the can, bejeez. And finally Lord we pray that Tom Cruise’s Hiter movie goes off without a hitch, and by the time it’s done filming they find him in a ditch, bejeez – Lord hear our prayer.

God bless us and save us!

Motor-mouthed mongoloids, bejeez.

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Let me ask you this Imus in the Morn', what made motormouth Dietl decide today would be the stay he starts mumblin' the beans about how you're gonna be risin' from the dead, bejeez?! Hearin' him talk sounds like someone's holdin' his head under water, ya butt-faced lookin' wrinkled old buzzard. Kind of like a Looney Toons cartoon - you ever see those cartoons, Imus in the Morn'? You probably watched it with your wife while you were dating her, ya creepy old pedophile ya, bejeez.

And where's the liberal prick-suckin' media at with reporting the news that Rev. Tawana Brawley won't protest if you return, Imus in the Morn'? That twinkie-filled mouth-breathing mongoloid ought to miss the train tracks one of these days and fall into the schism, God forgive me. For being a man of the cloth, it makes me wonder why he doesn't wear one more, Imus in the Morn'. There probably isn't enough cloth to cover his fat ass. Probably too busy watching the cross around his nappy neck smack some girl's backside while he's playing hide the shalaylee without her consent, God forgive me. Someone oughta smack him so hard they rearrange the liver spots on his ugly face. While they're at it, they should do the same to you, Imus in the Morn'. Why don't you answer me you numb-struck mummy ya, bejeez?!

And speakin' of rotund squeaky weasels, Imus in the Morn', where has fat Tim been? What with the big erection, er.. excuse me, election comin' up in a few short months, I'd expect him to be makin' his rounds with suckin' Satan's toes, bejeez. Him and Dick Morris go together like cheese and crackers, for the love of baby Jesus. Maybe he'll end up between the Obamas and look like an Oreo cookie waitin' to be dunked in some presidential milk, God forgive me. Well Imus in the Morn', there's a first time for everything. What, with Mary Mapes offering her two cents on Katie Couric. You and her have something in common, you showless wonders.

McCord, you wake the hell up and answer the following question. Did you see Rosie O'Donuts declined on the Price is Right offer, saying she doesn't need the money bad enough? I'm surprised she even took the time to answer. She must have taken a breath between her meals of gourmet fish, bejeez. John McCain's presidential bid is having a wonderful success rate, Imus in the Morn'. His campaign staffers are bailin' faster than your guests after the 'comment' incident, bejeez.

Now bow your heads you devil-worshipping bastards and let's say a prayer.

In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, a tuna lickin' Jew hatin' Clinton-Obama ticket we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Imus in the Morn' drops dead of a stroke, and Jesse Jackson cracks open his head and sucks out the yolk, bejeez. God forgive me. Lord, we pray that the war criminal Vice-President decides to invade Iran, and that Nancy Pelosi whacks him over the head with a fryin' pan. Lord hear our prayer. And finally, Lord, we pray that the I-man really does get back on the air in September, before he really does get turned into nothing but a burning ember, bejeez. Lord hear our prayer.

Boy, you're in for it this time you deflated windbag ya, bejeez. What's with ya showin' emotion in public, ya fudge-packin faggot ya, bejeez?!

Well good morning and God bless Imus in the Morn'! ::clears throat::

A happy soon to be birthday to you too, Methuselah. The older you're gettin', the more you're starting to look like that hook-nosed half-paralyzed botox-injected van Susteren on the Fox News deal, ya half-empty douche bag ya, bejeez. You're making Contessa Brewer think she could be the winner of the Miss Universe pageant for Christ's sake. Every year you get a little older, Mrs. Imus gets a big red marker out and uses it on the calendar, hoping and praying this'll be the last, God forgive me. If anything, wee Wyatt may want to study medicine someday, and with you he won't even have to leave the house - he'll have his own cadaver stuffed in a box in the basement downstairs, you decaying fossil ya bejeez.

Did you see the new bin Laden video, Imus in the Morn'? The more I look at him, he looks just like Hussein Obama's stunt double who desperately needs to shave, God forgive me. But, it's not his fault he was born with the Jew-hatin' name, bejeez. And speaking of donkeys, did you see those two asses Clinton and Edwards saying they want to exclude lower rivals? It seems like Satan's not in charge of hell anymore, bejeez. But I have a solution to this Imus in the Morn' - let the fish-eating Clinton raise the price of bagels a nickel in New York, and watch how the beanie-wearing schmucks flock to them. They'll be sitting around their fireplaces singing praises of "WE SHALL OVERCOME", bejeez. And also, you jurassic jerk-off, the story about the tallest man meeting the shortest brought memories back to me, bejeez. Kind of like Mrs. Imus on the wedding night, ya lizard-faced pillowbiter ya, bejeez.

Now bow your heads and let's say a prayer so I can get the hell to bed. I've got to wake up soon to teach the untouchables -- well, we call them "children" these days, bejeez -- all about the wonders of the Bible and the Lord, you athiest twit ya, bejeez.

In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus dead and gone we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Also Lord we pray that on the day that Imus passes away, Mrs. Imus goes terribly and awfully astray. Lord, we also pray that hairy-palmed tuna-eatin' Clinton gets lost on a fishing ship, and that she never makes it back from that trip. Lord hear our prayer. Lastly, Lord, we pray that Drudge updates his website, and puts an end to all this damn hype, bejeez. Lord hear our prayer.

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God Bless! ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', all these rumors going around about you making a comeback are starting to scare the hell out of me. I've never heard of a dead man coming back to life, bejeez. Who the hell are you, Lazarus? And no one seems to know when the hell it's going to happen Imus in the Morn'. We're playin' this damn guessin' game and I want to be prepared for when the skeleton in the cowboy hat rises out of the grave, bejeez.

Did you see that Katie Couric is doing better in the ratings than Brian Williams, bejeez. That's like Rosie O'Donnell outrunning a Ferarri, you flippin' douche bag. The Chinese got it wrong with Rosie, bejeez. It doesn't look like the year of the pig - look what happened to you, Imus in the Morn'.

McCord, you shut the hell up you closeted Nazi you, bejeez. Go park your Cherokee on a set of train tracks and wait for the good Lord to do his thing, you four-eyed half-load swallowin' homo ya, bejeez. And while you're at it, give a good suck to the tail pipe with the motor runnin'. It'll make you feel like you're in your bedroom with all the sucking action. While you're at it, you could probably engage in a game of hide the shalaylee with the gas tank, you deviant scumbag ya, bejeez.

And since we're on the subject of Cox's, Imus in the Morn', let's talk about the worst one of them all - Ana Marie. Just because she's got big boobs and a tight ass doesn't mean she gets a pass for jumpin' off the Imus ship first chance she got, bejeez. Between her and Contessa Brewer, I wonder who needed bigger doors to be installed at the MessNBC studios, you decaying cadaver ya, bejeez.

Now bow your heads you heathens and let's say a prayer. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Imus laid to rest we want the most. Lord, hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that Al Roker sits on a pin, and his fat head explodes all over Meredith's chin, bejeez. Lord, hear our prayer. Lord, we also pray that Imus gets rehired, and that dingbat on Morning Joe gets set on fire, bejeez.

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?!

Which doesn't belong and why?

a) Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan
b) Victoria Beckham
or c) Radio-talk-show-host Imus in the Morn'!

Well the answer is clearly B, you moron ya, bejeez. Because unlike the other two mouth-breathing morons who are subjected to constant coughing fits, Victoria Beckham only chokes when she's playing hide the shalaylee with Mr. Beckham. Kinda like your wife with Harold Ford, Jr. Cradle-robbin' cadaver ya, bejeez - go help your wife with her homework you dumb twit!

God bless us and save us!

Good morning and God bless. ::clears throat::

Well happy Independence Day, Imus in the Morn', and a happy birthday to good ol' President BB brain too. Did you see over the weekend that bunch of fools that died in the manure pit, Imus in the Morn'? I thought that would be how you would go, but I was wrong you turkey-necked half-load swallowing homo ya bejeez. I guess the old phrase 'you are what you eat' is pretty fitting, ya Betty Ford-lookin' sissy. Why don't you go suck on a tail pipe you deflated wind bag ya bejeez?! Did you see any fireworks the other night Imus in the Morn'? The only fireworks I saw were at the Lutheran church, where they stripped the openly gay minister of his frock. You could say they frocked him, bejeez. Too much playin' hide the shalaylee if you ask me. What do you think of homosexuality, you decomposing ingrate? I'll be your fine with it, you pocket pool master ya bejeez.

Alright, bow your heads and let's say a prayer so I can go take a "nappy" - I'm tired, bejeez. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus dyin' of heat stroke we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pray that the D. C. madam reveals McCord's name in the coming days, so this idiot finally gets down to his knees and prays. Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord we pray that Al Gore's son does some more drugs, and that he gets sat on by the big fat lug. Amen.

Have a lovely weekend!

A MESSAGE OF LOVE AND CHARITY!

Well idiots, good morning and God bless. ::clears throat::

The cardinal's a bit laid up this morning. He had some bad Chinese food last night and spent the night in agony praying to the porcelain God, Lord forgive me. Damn slanty-eyed gooks can't see what they're putting in the cardinal's food, bejeez. Needless to say, the Cardinal isn't going to work today either. He'll be saying his prayers from home today.

Now let's get down to business, Imus in the Morn'. The business is these bunch of blasphemous morons are setting up a little charade outside the Today show as we speak. I hope you're looking down on these nimrods Imus in the Morn' and shaking your head, bejeez. They're playing this eulogy for you on WFAN too, celebrating your "memory", though I think we should be celebrating your death in all honesty. It's about time we planted you, you pathetic bastard. Now Deirdre can find out who the real father of Wyatt is. Hell, he's old enough now to start helping her with her homework! You think all that tossing and turning while you slept was how he was conceived, you flippin' douche bag ya bejeez? It takes more than that, you satchel-faced buffoon. Didn't you pay attention in fifth grade or were you too busy checking out the preschoolers?

They're playing this little bit on WFAN about you and Bill Clinton, Imus in the Morn' - saying how he "revolutionized" your show. He certainly left his mark, if you know what I mean. His fishmongering wife can't say that. The Lincoln bedroom wasn't the only thing she was selling out, bejeez.

Now let's say a quick prayer so the cardinal can go the hell back to bed. In the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost, Imus back on the air we want the most - Lord hear our prayer. Lord we pray that Al Roker gets fired, and in the same breath the I-man gets rehired. And finally Lord we pray that the studios at MSNBC, get drifted out into the Atlantic sea.

God bless us and save us!

A MESSAGE OF HOPE AND INSPIRATION!

Good evening and God Bless! ::clears throat:: The Cardinal's on an f-in roll, today, bejeez!

Well this rally thing is a few hours away. I sure hope these pencil-necked idiots know what the hell they're doing. Just what the I-man needs is 3, if he's lucky, dolts on television making idiots out of themselves. If there's one thing worse than some mentally prepubescent 30 year-olds acting like morons on national television, it's someone doing it in the name of Imus in the Morn', bejeez!

Did you see that wrestler who took out his whole family, Imus in the Morn'? Sounds like something the skeleton with the cowboy hat would have done on April 13 around 10:30 in the morn'. They said it was "roid rage" - keep Hulk Hogan the hell away from me, bejeez!

There's a story they're airing over there on CNN Imus in the Morn'. It's not like you'd have the sentience to know that, you decaying corpse you, bejeez. Turns out that researchers are looking at how people walk to determine if they're gay by strapping a red light to their ass and turning the lights out and filmin' it. Sounds like a porno at the Imus house, bejeez. I have a solution to this, though! I say we send Clay Aiken and Anderson Cooper on a date and see how they walk after that. Their asses will be red and glowing, that's for sure. Those pillow biting fudgepackers would make excellent research subjects, bejeez! We could even put one on you, Imus in the Morn', but you can't walk more than five steps without choking on your own air. Go fall off a horse again you flippin' douchebag ya, bejeez!

Now bow your heads and let's pray! I got other things to do today that don't involve you retards!

In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Imus taking his last breath we want the most. Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we pay that on the day we finally resolve this whole mess, that the I-man actually beats wee little Wyatt at a game of chess, Lord hear our prayer. And finally Lord we pray that now that Paris Hilton is out of jail, she gets drunk again and has intimate relations with a guard rail, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?! Which doesn't belong and why! A: Larry King. B: Contessa Brewer. C: Imus in the Morn'! Well the answer is clearly B you morons because even though all three of these chain-smoking no talent hacks deserve an early visit from the angel of death, Contessa Brewer can actually get up and move around without worrying about having a heart attack!

God bless us and save us!

HEADS DOWN, BEJEEZ.

[This was initially posted as a comment on http://fakeimus.blogspot.com/]

Good morning and God Bless. ::clears throat::

Well Imus in the Morn', let's hurry up and make this quick so I can get the hell back over to the cathedral. I hear Mel Gibson is planning on joining this bunch of faggots that plan on going to the Today show and WFAN on this Friday Imus in the Morn'. They're gonna send him up to deal with the beanie-wearing bagel-eating management in the offices who are responsible for this whole mess.

I know the I-man is too much of a hen-pecked puss to show up. He might go into a coughing fit and knock the whole damn building down a moment after they agree to put his God forsaken show back on the air. I shouldn't be so harsh on the recently departed though. If there's one thing this little "vacation" has done for you, Imus in the Morn', it's put you where you really belong, in the damn ground, bejeez.

MCCORD! You got your nose so far up Francesa's butt you're starting to smell like his crap. One of these days he's gonna open his mouth and your head is gonna pop out, bejeez. Pretty soon you're gonna be playin' a little game of hide the shalaylee with him, you box-headed coke-bottled glassed idiot ya bejeez. Don't even get me started on that fat bastard Carlin and any of his antics, bejeez.

Now let's talk about something important you uneducated scumbag ya, bejeez. Did you see Rosie O'Donuts dressed her kid up as a terrorist? It's about time her true colors came out. What's she gonna do with the little thing? Send her to the fish factory on a heist, bejeez? She can get enough fish in her own bedroom so she won't be hungry for a year. Look at her, the fat pig - she could miss a meal or twenty. Put her on a vegan diet and she may end up looking worse than you, Imus in the Morn'.

Now bow your heads you sacreligious bastards you bejeez, and let's say a prayer so I can get the hell back over to the cathedral. In the name of the father, son, and holy ghost, Al Roker fired over epileptic slurs we want the most, Lord hear our prayer. Lord we pray that when the tuna lickin' Clinton loses the election, she'll be on the other end of Barack Hussein Obama's tiny little erection, Lord hear our prayer. Lord help us forgive CBS for firing the I-man, and hope that Les Moonves's head ends up in a trash can, Lord hear our prayer. Lord, we hope the I-man gets back on his toes, and stays there after calling those girls those bad three words, Lord hear our prayer!

WHICH DOESN'T BELONG AND WHY?! Which doesn't belong and why! A: MSNBC. B: CBS. C: Imus in the Morn'! Well I'm not waiting for you dumb schmucks to answer because the answer is clearly C, Imus in the Morn', because unlike these other two idiots, the only way Imus gets to be in a Jew is when he's screwing Mrs. Imus, and that hasn't happened since the 90's!

God bless us and save us.